Hugging

I met a friend for lunch today. We hadn't seen each other for some time. When we got close arms opened wide and we embraced with reckless abandon. When lunch was over and the hug broke up from saying farewell it was as if my heart had not completed its hug.

I came home and hugged my wife. I thought of the closeness of shared years. Our hearts beat mere inches from the other, pounding out messages of love that have become endearingly familiar.

I thought about the meaning of hugs. We position our chests so hearts are as close in proximity as they can be. It is as close as two hearts can get without cutting open chests. As we embrace, so do our hearts. We press hearts and hold them close. And when we let go, when there is love, there is longing for more.

Huh?

In memory of a good friend

Today, my good friend, Nancy Brusletten, died. She died with friends and family surrounding her with love, after a year and a half battle with lung cancer.

We worked together as therapists and there were a few times where I had the privilege of doing co-therapy with her. What I realized during those times was how gifted she was. As I worked with her the things that came to the surface were that she was very skilled, and she cared about the people she involved herself with. You realized when you worked with her or were her clients that you mattered deeply to her.

The months have passed by and we all watched her succumb to the disease that ended her life here. While her body faltered, her soul never did. As the physical started to deteriorate, her spirit glowed even brighter. She was an amazing person with amazing resolve. She will be missed by those who love her.

As the days went on and she got sicker, it was very hard to say she was "dying". It was almost as if those words were they uttered, would take away the hope that something else would happen. I watched it in the journal that was kept about her journey. I was even afraid to say it. It was Nancy who gave the person who was journaling, permission to say that she was dying.

She has a wonderful husband and three precious children that will have to go on without her physical presence, but the gift of her life that she gave so freely and so unselfishly will live on forever.

I have included the latest journal article that was submitted to CaringBridge. You can read the journal that was kept if you are interested. The link is http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nancybrusletten . It is a powerful testament of unquestioning submission to God's love and faithfulness and cherishing God even in difficult times. It is also a testament to the fact that all that is important in this life is the love that we share. Things will not satisfy. To see the sacrifices of those around Nancy on her behalf and for her were awe inspiring to say the least. Politics, religion, and the other things that consume our lives are irrelevant. Totally irrelevant!

And now, the latest journal article.

Our prayers for peace have been answered with Nancy passing on to God early this morning. Ron, her mother and her good friend Bobbie were with her. We are all so saddened but so thankful she can be at rest and that her boys now know she will be an Angel for them along their journeys in life. It has been a long journey for Nancy that we all wish could have had a different ending. She fought so very hard to do everything she could to remain here on earth with all of us. She also showed us how strong her faith was and how she was not at all afraid to die and to go to God. She never once got angry or questioned his will. Her love for him will continue to show through all of us she has touched for so long and even through people she just met briefly because this is what Nancy did …she always made an impact and left a special mark along the way of her path. Ron and her boys will continue to love her even though she is gone and Ron will see to it her boys are safe and happy. He has taken such good care of her and shown how he loves her so very much. His boys will be so proud of him as they get older and understand just what he has done for Nancy. I will update more often these next few days with all the arrangements but for now the family would prefer no calls unless it is the returning of a call they made. Right now they need to take care of the boys. Thank you for all the help and support and we will need to continue to support Ron and the boys and pray for them through this very sad time. She is so missed already.
God bless all of you.
Denise

Rich Mullins made a great statement about the meaning of death in our lives.

It is the living that mourn at a funeral-not the dead. We mourn because the lives of the dead have made ours more lively, and since we are (or have been) so knit together, the loss or another's strand will eventually cause our own unraveling. Fellowship is the mingling of threads that make up a fabric, and only in a fabric do we have some kind of meaningfulness. Peace is not the opposite of conflict, it is the opposite of chaos.

Thank you Nancy. You have taught me much by your life and death. I will miss you, and I believe you are now finally at peace.

On a mission from God (part 1) Responsibility

I have been reading a book called “The post-evangelical”. Scattered throughout the text of the book is running commentary from a number of other people responding to what the author is asserting. It is brilliant in demonstrating how a post modern society would take in information.

When the author was talking about truth and whether it is relative or absolute, one of the commentators who has not looked very agreeable to the concepts put out by the author, made this statement.

"I wonder if post-evangelicals are willing to concede that not everyone is called to wallow in the ambiguities of provisional truth. Evangelicals hold some truths with deep certainty and believe this certainty-faith- may even be a gift of God. Post-evangelicals may lack certainty as a divine reminder that the kingdom of heaven has not yet arrived and that our lives and theology are provisional until Christ comes again. But we need evangelicals to speak God's truth confidently in order to buoy up many people who would otherwise lead listless lives." Dave Tomlinson "The post evangelical" Zondervan Grand Rapids, MI. 2003 p.93 comment by Mark Galli

What struck me about that statement more than others he made was the implication that others were responsible to make sure your life didn’t blow. It is the responsibility of the “faithful” to prop up the “listless and give them a reason to live?

I know the Bible talks about being your brother’s keeper, but where is the responsibility of the person? Dr. Phil in his book “Life strategies” makes the point that we do what works. I read a blog of a friend of mine who has finally decided that the life of drinking and partying hasn’t satisfied her, so she is making her way back to God.

Why be concerned about someone being listless. If it is working for them, they are not going to make great “converts”. When they get tired of their life and want something different they will go looking for something better.

In the faith practice I grew up in, we were made to feel guilty about not going out and “saving the lost”. But what if the lost don't want to be saved? What then? I have experienced in some evangelical circles that I'm not trying hard enough.

Maybe we don't need to try at all, but simply tell our story of what God has done in my life and where my life is and let them decide what they want.

On a mission from God (part 2) Rescue me

A second reaction I had to the commentator in the book "The Post Evangelical" was the whole concept of accepting the mission to rescue the hopeless souls trapped by the "enemy". If it is my job to make sure that the listless are rescued, then I am a rescuer. All of a sudden I have something to uphold. One thing about heroes is that they save the day whether their house is in order or not.

A friend of mine working as a pastor's secretary answered the phone years ago at her job. She talked to a distraught woman who stated that she believed that Jesus couldn't save her because her sins were so great. My friend answered her that Jesus had forgiven all our sins, and my friend in fact was saved of her sins. The woman quickly retorted "what sins have you been forgiven of. My friend laughed and said "Honestly Jim, I drew a blank. I didn't know what to answer her. I couldn't think of one!"

If our mission is to save the lost, then it is very easy to believe as a rescuer we put our own soul state on hold. After all I am doing God's work. It can grow into a state of finding self worth in saving souls. As others see the "souls we have won" they approve of us more, and in time the danger is that we stop seeing where our souls are drying up and shriveling inside. We don't see where we need saving. It moves into what we are doing for others.

When that happens we become lost. "Honest Jim, I couldn't think of a single sin." A very powerful and damaging disconnect.

Killing silence

In the years that preceded technology it took a long time to communicate through anything other than face-to-face. As the days turned into weeks it became more difficult to not wonder how the communication had been recieved. One could simply assume that the return correspondence was in transit somewhere.

With the advent of technology the ability to obtain real time information has been amazing. However, one of the byproducts of that technology is the absence of a reply becomes more painful, more quickly. We send an e-mail, we leave a voicemail. The longer it takes for a response back, the more painful the waiting. It has been reduced from weeks and months, to minutes and hours.

Giving one the silent treatment can be a form of punishment. If one were to give the silent treatment pre-technology, one would have had to keep silent much longer. Nowadays, silent treatment can be as instant as sending a call to voicemail

During the absence of feedback, my mind starts to wonder how the other is feeling. It can start to eat at me in terms of response time. When I don't hear, my mind quickly starts to consider different options. It is always a great thing when the response comes back, either positive or negative, because the knowing helps me feel on firmer ground.

Squabbles

One of the presents given for Christmas was a game called "Scene it Squabble". The goal was to see how well one sex knows the other in regards to movies and pop culture. The genders were put on opposite teams and asked stereotypical questions.

It didn't take long to realize that stereotypes do not do a good job at defining a person. We started laughing at the absurdity of some of the questions. Game tokens were gender stereotyped, and some of the game cards that let you move forward or back were almost troubling.

As the game went on, it became increasingly obvious how limiting stereotypical labels are, and that people are way too complex to narrow down to simple black and white boxes.

Putting what we encounter into categories is a marvelous quick sorting tool to approach the world, but it is like putting a swatch of paint on a part of the wall to see how well it creates an effect. The entire wall must be painted for the effect of the paint color to be realized. We can quickly sort people and things into categories, but then one must move on to a more holistic understanding of who the individual is.

To do less than that is to devalue the other. To do less than that is ignorant. To do less than that is negligent.

Timeless time

Yesterday was Christmas and it was a very good day. Moving up to Christmas, plans were in flux as to who was going to be where. We saw different children as the day moved from Christmas eve to Christmas.

On Christmas day evening the family was all together. It was a timeless moment of bliss.

These are moments to be savored. There is no way to predict what will happen in the future. All we can count on is this moment. And we did. It was a good day. A very good day.

One of the great mysteries in our lives is the passing of time. Time is equal units. It is measured and we can live our lives by its order. This was just a moment in time. While it ended too soon, it is eternal.

Merry Christmas

It's been my perception that saying "happy holidays" or "merry Christmas" based on a religious view has not been as pronounced this holiday season. I remember more people getting upset last year. I don't know if I'm not exposed to that line of thinking much these days or it really has died down.

I have decided that I will through the years use the phrase "Merry Christmas". I will not use it because I think it will have a redemptive aspect towards our increasingly "godless" culture. I will not use it because I want to upset those who want to stop people from saying the word.

No! I will use the phrase "Merry Christmas" because that is the holiday we are celebrating. It is Christmas. And retailers DEPEND on you not forgetting it.

So as long as there are retailers dependent on Christmas I will say "Merry Christmas"

I will admit that one phrase that has hit the cutting room floor during the Christmas season is "Hohoho".

From physical to spirit

"Do you remember when I told Ted Koppel that pretty soon someone was gonna have to wipe my ass?" He said.

I laughed. You don't forget a moment like that.

"Well, I think that day is coming. That one bothers me."

"Why?"

"Because it's the ultimate sign of dependency. Someone wiping your bottom. But I'm working on it. I'm trying to enjoy the process."

"Enjoy it?"

"Yes. After all, I get to be a baby one more time."

That's a unique way of looking at it.

"Well I have to look at life uniquely now. Let's face it. I can't go shopping. I can't take care of the bank accounts, I can't take out the garbage. But I can sit here with my dwindling days and look at what I think is important in life. I have both the time - and the reason - to do that."

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and let it come in."

His voice dropped to a whisper. "Let it come in. We think we don't deserve love, we think if we let it in we'll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said 'love is the only rational act.' "

Mitch Albom, "Tuesdays with Morrie" Doubleday New York 1997 p.49-50

In my class a student presented concepts embodied in this book. She read this passage from the book. I had read the book a number of years ago. I had forgotten that part. I was so grateful for her reminding me of it.

A lot of the class laughed nervously. It is VERY uncomfortable to consider that this is our destiny, but there was no denying the power in those words. Morrie expressed something that we in our deepest parts want to believe but struggle mightily in having to deal with; that healthy dependency is something to be embraced to be able to experience love.

We start out as infants with no shame about having all our needs taken care of. Observe an infant having his or her butt wiped while they look around the room not worried at all about who is watching. As we grow we move towards greater independence. Any deviating from that independence is accompanied by shame from the social group we move in. As we age we move back towards dependency and we have to relearn how to be comfortable in it once again.

In the book "The power of myth" Joseph Campbell explains how our transition in life is from physical to spiritual, from form to spirit. From the moment we are born we are in the process of dying. We shouldn't be surprised by it. The work of maturing is to rely on the body less, and on the spirit more. This is the work of our lives.

It seems that for many, that is a difficult if not impossible transition. Denial is much more effective in helping us get through the day, at least in the short term.

(photo from http://www.hms.harvard.edu/cdi/pallcare)

Chatter

News reporters seem to love using the word "chatter". This refers to the increase in conversation, and correspondence that occurs when there is a significant finding, a significant breech in security, a significant event that activates human energy. When that energy is elevated, "chatter" occurs.

I recognize that in my life as well. When there is significant emotional energy that increases in my life I find my "chatter" goes up as well. Internal conversations start in my mind with people who have triggered the energy increase.

Much like intelligence agencies, I try to pay attention to my "chatter" to alert me to my internal states.

Shouting monkey sex

I have to be careful here, but I just couldn't let this study go by without comment. I tried. I debated. In the end I posted. It just shouted blog!

It has been known for years that female monkeys shout during intercourse. What researchers didn't know was why. What has been discovered recently is that the shouting makes the males climax quicker. Some monkeys almost never ejaculated without the shouting. You can read the tawdry details in the article. Here is the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22327844/

If I understand this correctly, the female monkey shouts to let the male know when she is most fertile thereby giving the sperm its greatest chance. Then she shouts during the sex act to hurry it along. I guess there is nothing like a shouting female to increase arousal in an ape. In a side note, this finding explained so much about King Kong and his relationship to Faye Wray.

To sum it up, monkey females seem to be much more "metasexual" in their approach to reproduction, They see beyond the act itself. First they shout..."Hey moron, I'm fertile here! Get a clue!" Then when the male monkey is thrusting, the female shouts to hurry him along. "Hey moron, we don't have all day, I need to get dinner going!" If monkey sex were in the metaphor of a home building company, the female would be the architect and the male is mainly there to hammer and nail.

It's comforting to realize how distant we are from the primate world.

Tribute to a friend I've never met

Today a person who has been meaningful in my life died of prostate cancer. In the 70's as I was trying to figure out my life I heard a song called "There's a place in the world for a gambler." It was a simple melody and repetitive verses, but I remember the power it had in my life, the sense of permission he gave to me to roll the dice of life a little. I would have to say that subsequent albums matched the stage of life I was going through and his songs acted somewhat as soundtracks for my life.

I fell away from being a fan when he released his best hits album, but his music and ideas have had a huge hand in shaping me into the man I have become. I found his lyrics to be some of the best around.

If you want to check out his website it is http://www.danfogelberg.com/index.html

Thank you Dan.

Judging fruit

I have lived with the belief that if I just tried harder I could do better. When I struggled with habits and negative thinking in my life, I tried harder to be better, to stop moving in that direction. It never worked. The more I tried the more frustrated I got when I failed, and the more exhausting it became. And when I get tired, I tend to quit.

The answer lies more in letting go, and focusing on things that will bring healthy thinking and acting. Consider a fruit tree. We can tell the quality of a tree by the fruit it produces. Unhealthy trees don't produce good fruit or any fruit. Good fruit comes from healthy trees When a tree doesn't give good fruit or any fruit at all, the answer is not to have the tree try harder. It is to seek interventions that will improve the health of the tree. This thinking works for a person as well as a tree.The outcome of a person's life, how you feel after spending time with them, the outcomes of other relationships can be metaphorized by a tree and its fruit.

One way to get healthier is to let go of the need for control. Control poisons the soil and guarantees stunted or bitter fruit. The more one needs to control the world around them, the more the fruit becomes tainted. Letting go of the things you can't control creates a sense of freedom which creates fertile soil.

Letting go is not giving up, it's acknowledging you can't do it on your own, that you need the help and support from others. It is learning to become dependent on the love

If there is little or no fruit, if the fruit is bitter, you are not looking at a healthy tree. Fruit therefore is a mark of how healthy a tree is.

The same can be said about a person.

Soul care

I have been doing some thinking about the soul. I am realizing how little my soul was tended to in the faith practices I have been involved in, as well as how little I have tended my own soul.

I would describe the soul as that energy inside each of us that seeks mystery, and admission to the sacred. It is connection to the divine, connection between people, and our connection to our environment. The soul is the part of us that connects us to life.

What I have found missing in what I have observed of the neo-evangelical movement is connection. The message of heaven is much like a 401K program. When you receive Jesus as your personal savior, following their prescibed ritual, you are assured heaven which is where your soul goes, according to them, when you physically die. The only reason to associate with those outside the faith, is to give them the information that will enable them to start their own celestial 401k plan. Otherwise the "faithful" stay cloistered from the outside world. They are encouraged to focus on passion and devotion for God with their souls as inaccessible as the money from a retirement plan.

They struggle to see how the degrading of the environment is their concern as they don't access their soul to connect with it. They are completely disconnected from where their food comes from. They trust the USDA to let them know if they should be concerned. They have no connection to the animals and produce that sustains them. They remain ignorant of the conditions of the laborers who struggle to provide them with the things they consume. Some of this is a result of living in this time period and in American culture. Where their souls are connected to is their heavenly 401k program that they believe is earning rewards for every good deed they do.

And ironically, the further we move into this line of thinking the more disconnected we are from God, the world around us, and ultimately ourselves.

I confess that I am that person as well. My soul is rusty from inactivity, and soul substitutes have crept in, creating erosion. My soul needs tending to, it needs nourishment. I am on a restoration path. I am seeking a greater connection to creation, and to my life. Most importantly I am seeking a greater connection to my creator.

Answering the monk

Comments on the 12-10-07 edition of internetmonk podcast. Michael Spencer defined what he meant when he talked about being a post-evangelical. He was very clear to point out that he was using it in the sense of moving past what evangelicalism has become in it's commercial, consumer driven mentality. He stated that when he talked to some, post-evangelicalism referred to a less defined faith system, almost squishy in its lack of elucidation, a catch-all category for any sort of belief in Jesus. Michael was very clear in stating his discomfort with that type of theology.

Listening to the podcast, I share Michael's concern about the state of the American evangelical church. Beyond commercialism and consumerism, in some denominations it is also the brazen belief that they alone speak for God in their narrowminded dogmatism. I am repulsed by it.

In my journey I have come to see God as so much bigger, in fact too big for my mind to wrap around. At this time, attempting to define him, feels limiting. I know at some point I will need a more encompassing definition. That would be down the road a while. Right now I am floating in my faith and rejecting labels. A working definition for where I am at this time is simply following the example of Jesus and focusing on love and service.

However, at this time squishy feels comforting and freeing, not wounding and stifling.

Accountability and non-conformity

A friend and I were hashing out the difference between accountability and conformity. What we came to was that to be a non-conformist is not the same as being unaccountable.

Non-conformity has to do with not being afraid to buck the system if necessary. At times there is a need for someone to not follow the herd mentality.

Accountability has to do with taking responsibility for your actions. Those who are unaccountable for their actions take no responsibility for what they act like nor what impact they have on others. They are a law unto themselves.

I will always strive to be a bit of a non-conformist, but I work very hard to make sure I am accountable for who I am.

Charity for whom?

My daughter came home and talked about a fund raising opportunity. I was interested. Then she told me what she could get if she got so much donated. It was fund raising with a prize at the end.

Minnesota Public Radio hands out gifts for donations. Many other organizations offer prizes for fund raising.

It seems to me that anything that promises something that feeds our desire to acquire, in my opinion, diminishes the compassionate act.

iGolf

Sitting at a local restaurant a while back (when it was warm) I saw a man walk in dressed in black pants with a white mock turtleneck shirt, and a black sweater vest tying the whole ensemble together. All he was missing was the glove and spiked shoes. His outfit screamed iGolf.

I guess we are never too old to play dress-up.

Emotional seatbelts

A man reached for his wife's hand in church today. They extended their arms in front of their daughter, age 8 or 9, to hold hands. The daughter was strangely unconcerned about the invasion into her space. In fact she hugged both arms.

I know that when couples divorce the desire of younger children is that their parents get back together again. Just getting back together again signals that the world is right again. It feels safe.

I heard someone say that the best gift you could give to your child is to love their mother.

I believe that the act between this mom and dad was a signal of safety for the daughter.

In the bumpy road of life it's nice to have emotional seabelts.

A sign of growing older

A while back I was in the grocery store and thought some baked red potatoes would taste so good for dinner. I bought a bag. Today I just threw them out as they were unused and rotting.
I remember my grandfather going to the store every day and only picking up enough for the day. The next day he would want to go again. I remember thinking "what a waste!"
I had the same thought today as I threw the bag out. "What a waste!" I told my wife "I think what I should do is just buy what I need on a given day."

That's when it hit me. I have found the path my grandfather trod and it won't be long before I am asking someone to take me to the store so I can purchase only what I need for today.

One the bright side the bags are not quite so heavy to carry.

Wildlife preserve

A friend of mine shared with me that he thought the church should be like a wildlife preserve; there should be no shooting.

I know that the talks that have had the biggest impact on me were not when the speaker was aiming for me, but when God softly whispered areas I need to look at.

What would churches look like if that ideology was practiced?

Salvation and status quo

In evaluating how I have done over the last month with some of my new perceptions, I would have to say that I scored really low. I started out strong, but some of my resolves have melted away or been reduced to meaninglessness. I have played the "tomorrow I'll be better." routine. And of course tomorrow never comes.

Many times if not every time, salvation is about maintaining perspective. I may see a different world, invoke a different way of seeing. I may make commitments to change some things about myself, but like a fully clothed drowning man, what covers me, what has fit me, what I cover myself with is killing me. Status quo like the snake in the garden hisses to me, "do you really need to shed it all. That's a really hard choice, don't be so hasty!" And with that, the will is paralyzed.

So when will I kick off the clothes that have become shrouds? When will I act on my salvation?

Tomorrow?

Guilt enough to go around

A friend of mine told me that her two kids are sick today. She said that she felt so guilty about it.

Maybe that is why so many moms can wield guilt so effectively. They are just peddling their own personal inner state.

Make it a good day

A morning radio show I listen to on MPR ends with the announcer saying "Make it a good day!" It is always a wonderful reminder that no matter what mood we wake up with, we have the power to make it a good day.

For the first time in my life I have had to contend with rush hour traffic. I don't like the person I am becoming. I am snarly, and disagreeable. I don't have to be. I can make it a good day. I am not a slave to my moods. It really is my decision.

Entering the kingdom

You always know when kids are at recess. The noise levels increase. There is shouting and screaming. Kids are running around aimlessly extending their arms out like gliding birds. They climb, they jump, they push, they scream.

Compare that to recreating adults. It is usualy much more reserved, and except for sporting events, there is not much noise. We have learned how to behave.

Jesus said that unless we become like a little child we won't enter the kingdom of heaven. What would motivate him to say that?

Most children, if they are allowed to be children are not worried about the future. They are entirely in the present.

Most children, if they are allowed to be children are not worried about whether they or their behavior is accepted.

Most children, if they are allowed to be children express their joy in loud and boistrous ways.

Most children, if they are allowed to be children don't put a lot of thought into something before they try it. They simply say...let's try this! This is the cause of many childhood injuries. But with an injury comes learning.

With adulthood comes the mantle of cares. They weigh us down. They stifle us. They confine us.

Maybe Jesus is waiting for us to say "Come on! Let's try this!"

An inconvenient weather situation

It is all over the news. We are supposed to get a lot of snow, for our area, this weekend. It has been on all the news casts and they are predicting 6-12 inches. That is substantial for this area. I looked out the window in the morning. There is no snow, it is not snowing, but I'm looking for signs to confirm its arrival.

Earlier this week I didn't watch the news. When I got into bed it was about 20 degrees F. When I got up I told me wife that it was 30 degrees F. Something didn't look right on the temperature gage. I looked closer and realized that I hadn't acknowledged the decimal point. It was 3 degrees. It went from mild winter weather to rather severe weather without warning. We had what we needed to survive the cold and it was inconvenient, but not life threatening.

I think weather forcasting has changed. It has moved more from what you need to know to protect yourself to how inconvenienced we are.

And me? I guess I'm grateful that I didn't have to commute during the storm. Knowing me, that could have been life-threatening!

Sentiment me!

I know someone in my life that when he gets sentimental, has to have everyone stop and savor the significance of the situation. It is uncomfortable, to put it mildly.

I am all for being in the moment and being moved by life. What I am not into is having someone else demand that I stop and be mindful of the moment, especially when I am not feeling the same thing.

That is evidence of enmeshment, poor boundaries between people. If a person is moved by a moment, he or she should be moved. Demanding that I be moved by the moment, even when I have no such feelings is rude. If I act as if I am moved by the moment when I am not, then I am a liar!

I put this person in the same category as the one who believes it is their job to make sure all are obeying the speed limit. If I obey the speed limit, it is by my own choice. I don't appreciate someone who is purposely driving slower to force compliance. It's not their job, and I resent the one who takes it on as their job. The police are out there and they have been given the task of vehicle safety.

We should be overwhelmed by wonder, but I will not be coerced into feeling wonder. It's dishonest.

Sorrow overwhelming

I read about the murder of a little girl, age 2, who was beaten to death. There were descriptions of the guardians hurling her into a wall across the room and beating her with belts and sticks. I feel teary-eyed, sick and shaky even writing this.

There was a program on TV that had the last letters sent home by soldiers from war, read by family members. I cried along with the images of people who were reading and crying as well.

My friend is dying. She will leave behind her husband who adores her and children who need her around.

Nineteen people are killed in an explosion in Sri Lanka. Thousands killed in a cyclone in Bangladesh. Death and pain enfold us.

I have been listening to "A world lit by fire" a history of the "dark ages". The murders, the horrifying torture of "heretics" the debauchery, the love of watching people die.

It's too much! What I have documented doesn't even dent the amazing amount of pain around me.

It's amazing that we are not drowned in sorrow and tears! It's no wonder we insulates ourselves. We very well may never recover!

STOP PUSHING ME

At the mall yesterday I was startled to attention by someone shouting "STOP PUSHING ME!" A girl, about 10 years old ran by me and pushed a boy who appeared to be 14 years old. A woman who looked like their mother muttered menacingly under her breath "Both of you, stop it!" They disappeared into the store.

We want justice! We want to know we are heard when we complain. Families are a great place to learn that. That scenario has been repeated for years in families all over the world. We are attempting to establish control, establish an order.

When all else fails, shout louder and get the neighbors involved.

My mother the car

I really don't care for things that tell me the obvious. For example, I have never been a big fan of the Bible with the "words of our Lord in red". I think the gospels are written clear enough that I can figure out who is talking.

I have a console in my car that tells me the temperature. I don't then need for the car to tell me if ice is going to be present. I think I can figure it out.

Getting to know you

I interacted with a neighbor that I don't know well. Our conversation consisted of housekeeping details about her daughter staying over and when she needed to be taken home. The rest of our conversation was telling stories. One linked off the other, and gave us truths about each other that could only be discovered by how we responded to situations.

I was struck with the idea that Jesus when he was on earth, told stories. They were confusing at times and he left it up to us to decide their meaning.

Stories communicate far more than we could in a systematic discourse. I learned a lot from the neighbor about her values and her responses. And it was far more interesting than having her recited what she thought and believed.

Longing for the past

My daughter in anticipation of Christmas has been pouring over the Target ad in the Sunday paper. From the back seat came the statement "maybe sometime we could make real popcorn." She showed my wife a picture of a popcorn kettle advertised in the paper. She lamented the idea that all she knows has been microwave popcorn. She expressed longing for "the old days". We had a greasy popcorn kettle. It was used for nothing else but making popcorn and it seemed to grow it's own oily skin.

As technology presses ahead there are a lot of things that are discarded along the roadside. And sometimes the memory of them is far better than the item itself

BUTRULE alert

I am always looking to people to illustrate BUTRULE! What is BUTRULE you may ask? BUTRULE is where you ignore everything said on the front side of the word "but" in a sentence. For example, when someone says "I don't mean to intrude, but..." use the BUTRULE, which is ignore every word said before the word "but". Of course you meant to intrude, otherwise you wouldn't have.

I found a great example to apply BUTRULE to. I won't even tell you how I ended up viewing this video clip. It was a preacher who was describing how he spent 23 minutes in hell. He apparently lived to tell about it and he explained it in all its gory detail. I actually lost interest at a certain point and clicked out of it. Sometimes a short attention span is a very good thing.

However, before I left this riveting clip, the preacher made a statement that I could apply BUTRULE to. Here it is. I'll let you, my astute reader apply the rule and figure it out for yourselves. These are the actual words he spoke. He had just read a couple of Bible verses supporting some of the images he saw in Hell.

"I would like to share more scripture with you, because that's what's really important, but we don't have enough time...so anyway I was in a cell with these 13 foot tall creatures standing over me..."

Nuff said.

God threw a little something together!

This morning I was meditating in the living room. I was looking at the dining room window and the slats had an orange tint to them. I got up and looked out the back windows. What I saw took my breath away. Here was an amazing blend of colors that were stunning. I attempted to capture it in pictures, but there is no way I could capture the beauty! JUST NO WAY! Five minutes later it was gone. The sky was back to its morning hue.

What I am realizing about God is that he does things that appear so random. He throws together this breathtaking scene for anyone who is awake and aware, and then he takes it down, and it's as if it never existed. But it did exist for a second, and I got the pleasure of seeing it before it was taken down.

God is interested in beauty. He sees value in a show to catch our attention. But only if we are looking for it and if you blink you may miss it.

What children represent

I watched the movie "Children of men". In the movie no one has been able to give birth to a baby in years. One woman is able to and she is trying to get her baby to safety. They have to pass through a war zone with the military fighting a rebel faction. Bullets are flying everywhere.

And then the baby starts crying. A baby's cry hadn't been heard in 18 years. And the baby's crying silences the gun as people everywhere in the war zone stare at the infant. Why? Because a child is one of the most powerful symbols of hope that we have. Part of the Jesus story was coming as a baby and is called the hope of the nations.

That is why it is so hard to see a child die. It is not just because they were innocent and never had the ability to live. When a child dies it is as if a piece of hope dies as well.

Children have such power. And the power of a child wields is hope.

A saint I could hang with

Why aren't more saints this approachable. I could sit and talk to St. Al.

I have not read it yet, but what I have heard about the book of Mother Teresa's prayers was that that she struggled with feeling approved of. I can relate to that. While I don't know her struggles as my own, I appreciate her struggle. It validates my own.

Spirituality is not about being above the fray. It is about living in the fray and being real in the middle of it.

It's all perception

Snow fell today on my commute. I watched the silent floating white flakes with a growing sense of weariness. My daughter was energized. I know my boys are as well.

We know things are coming. Then why are we surprised? If life is a mystery then why are we taken aback when changes occur? But we are. And how we perceive the impact of the event creates our unique reaction.

Who does this sound like?

I made a startling connection this morning. I realized that the practice of the religion of my youth was a lot like a pyramid scheme business. There are many companies that work this way, and they strongly encourage a lifestyle shift if you want to be successful with them. This type of business includes cleaning products, personal hygiene and cosmetics, and even some forms of insurance.

The way these businesses work is that you sign on as a distributor. It reduces the amount you pay for product, so there is some motivation to sign. You then start consuming the product in your daily life. You swap products you would have purchased in the store with the ones from your company.

At the same time you attend meetings where you hear success stories and motivational speeches that fire you up to go into the world and make distributors. You start associating with people who like you are distributors and your life becomes increasingly consumed with the company and the products. You change your friends to be those who are part of the company as well.

When you speak to those who are not in the company, it seems that the only real value in the time spent with them is whether you are able to sign them up as a distributor who will work under you.

As your distributors purchase products they increase your profits. The higher up you go in the company, as reflected by sales, the more you are able to make. The pinnacle of success in these companies is becoming the motivating icon that everyone aspires to be.

Maybe a SLIGHT loss of perspective.

I'm sure this doesn't sound at all like the practices of some forms of modern American fundamentalist evangelicalism.

Market forces

(Thank you Christa (Of Magic and Sensibility) for your inspiration on this blog.)
The other day I was shopping for a bible for my wife. It has been a long time since I had been in a "christian" bookstore. I was amazed (and not in a good way) of all the different ways the bible was marketed. And that was just the bibles. I didn't even look at the music or the books! I originally went to a "regular" bookstore to find one, but the choices were few.

One bible I did come across was the "Pray for the cure" bible. Marketing comes in many shapes and sizes. There was the "student" bible, the "princess" bible, the "rad dude" bible...Sorry, I made that one up.

Here are some bible marketing strategies that I came up with.

I propose the "Homeless Bible". It could be covered in plastic and cardboard, with shopping cart wire mesh to surround it.

How about "AIDS Bible". It could have silhouettes of dirty needles and condoms.

I could go on. I won't. I'm not sure there is an economic base that would support production of these bibles, or others like them. And then we would have to ask, in those churches where the size of your bible is a measure of your spirituality, how many would be proud or even willing to carry one of those bibles into the church service.

Understanding

Understanding is hard. A woman recently spoke powerfully of understanding her mother's drug addiction when she herself became addicted. She had a much greater level of empathy.

I spoke with another person who while struggling himself with drugs, called his dad a "drunk". What is the difference?

The difference to me is that one was able to admit her failings while the other was not. When we accept our brokeness we can acknowledge others brokeness as well. We have nothing to prove. When we remain guarded, and are unwilling to admit our failings, we blast others with judgements to assure ourselves that we are nothing like the other person.

Henri Nouwen called himself a "broken healer", and talked about how much easier it was to help others when we are able to admit to ourselves and the world that we need help too.

Bicycle

The car next to me had a bumper sticker on her Chrysler Intrepid. It read "Boycott big oil. Really! Then what are you still doing on the road? Put it on your bicycle!

Benefits of on-line teaching

I was talking to someone the other day about teaching. He talked about wanting to become an on-line teacher because you could get to the purity of their ideas without being distracted by particular students, "like blacks, for example."

I sat there not knowing what to say. I don't agree at all with the person's point of view, and if I get into an argument with them will I change his mind. I don't see that happening. So I didn't say anything and then left soon after that.

I don't know if the person knew I was uncomfortable, or just continued his life without a thought.

As I layer this experience into a larger idea about society, I don't know if I furthered the cause of racial harmony. I suspect that I did not. I just don't know that starting an argument would have been any better.

But I have to say, it haunts me.

Born again...day 1

One thing that I realized and came to a head yesterday is how much emotional energy runs through me. Some of it is good, and some of it drags me down. It makes me the passionate person I am. It also blocks my creativity and relational aspects of my life.

One thing I have realized is that I want to let some of this negative emotional junk go. Yesterday felt so freeing as I made my declaration.

Today was a test for me, and I collapsed. I didn't totally lose it, but there was enough negative energy to deflate high flying hopes.

However, that will not be the end of the story for me. I have decided to give my negative and self destructive emotions over to God and let Him morph them into more positive energy. Awareness makes things easier to deal with.

Salvation isn't a one time shot. It is turning the corner and walking in a new direction. It is a journey.

I turned a corner yesterday. I realized some things. I wanted to do things differently. Right now I feel clumsy. I haven't done this to the level I am proposing before so it feels awkward now. I am tempted to be discouraged. (Discouragement is a negative emotion that increases the likelihood of giving up.

I know it will become better as I keep doing what I have realized I need to do.

All Souls Day

Today was All Soul’s Day at Church. As is the custom there, candles brought to the front of the sanctuary by those who wanted to remember someone who had died in the past year that was meaningful to them. After the candle processional, the names of the dead were read with a tolling of a bell.

A name was read, the bell tolled. Another name was read, another tolling of the bell.

I started thinking of those people and the meaning of their lives, their influence, the loss felt by others. I thought as well of the names who could be there next year and I found myself misty-eyed.

Another name, another tolling of the bell.

Each name read was piercing, the bell started sounding like a gong. As the ritual went on, it became painful to hear, and the anticipation of the sound was jarring. These people meant something in the world. They mattered to someone. They left others void of their presence.

Another name, another tolling of the bell.

Rich Mullins wrote: It is the living that mourn at a funeral-not the dead. We mourn because the lives of the dead have made ours more lively, and since we are (or have been) so knit together, the loss or another's strand will eventually cause our own unraveling. Fellowship is the mingling of threads that make up a fabric, and only in a fabric do we have some kind of meaningfulness.

Another name, another tolling of the bell. Is there a way to stop it?

What's in a name?

Near where we live there is a storage facility called "Carefree". I guess with all the stuff you have you can keep it there and feel more carefree knowing it was safe. And why do we need to accumulate? Aren't a lot of things that we have, stuff that we couldn't live without, and now can't let go of, waiting for the proverbial "someday" when it will be useful once again?

Years ago I worked for an auction company. We went through peoples' estates and decided what people would be willing to bid on. Many items went in the trash bin. Many items. We have stuff, we need more stuff, we can't get rid of stuff, and then we pay to have the stuff disposed of.

One person who we managed their estate, all he had was a bed and a TV. That was it. Someone remarked that it was sad. I thought that this person used up almost all his possesions and these two items were all that were left.

Some people, craving money, (and craving stuff) have pierced themselves with many sorrows.

Carefree? I'm not sure it is. It seems kinda like calling a dounut shop "A Thinner You!"

Sharing our world

On my walk today I saw many geese floating in the river I was walking by. They were beautiful. I stopped to admire them. They are taking a break from the flight south.

Make sure that when you are looking up at the birds flying by, don't take a step. If you are walking, look down so you can miss all those deposits on the grass. That is the cost of sharing the world with geese.

Born again

Today is a big day for me. I am being born again. Stay tuned for details.

I know this sounds like I'm being mysterious. Salvation is a mystery. I know it sounds like I am not explaining, but how can I tell you what I'm not sure I understand yet.

So...stay tuned.

Singing from the inner voice

I went to a David Wilcox concert. It was a truly magical evening. The songs he sang resonated so powerfully within me. I sat there spellbound. He seemed to walk through the world as a funnel, taking in every experience, putting it through an internal interpretation mechanism and then release it on the other side to fly away and gain a life of its own. His inner voice appeared to be the one singing.

My thinking has changed over the years, and I noticed it most dramtically at the concert. In the past, the musical performance side of me would have been envious of his calling, that it happened to him and not to me. I could be the one on stage singing the songs and evoking the feelings of others.

At this concert I felt envious of his freedom of expression, his ability to freely receive and freely give.

Looking at my life, there are so many areas that I find myself blocking. Hurt, anger, frustration, all block creative expression. I feed on things that do not advance me, but keep me stuck.

I think where I am heading on my journey is toward that freedom, to let the world wash over me and not fight it, but channel it and give creative voice to what is good, on the other side.

I'm not there yet. If I were, this wouldn't be a journey. But I think I have another section of the treasure map.

Who are we?

Reading the book King Leopold's Ghost, I am struck by the arrogance of our species. Our pride and greed takes over our lives and we have the capability to brutalize and destroy others for the sake of our own self interests.

The indigenous people in the Congo were referred to as "black devils" or "black demons", and yet the atrocities commited by caucasians was breathtakingly brutal. That the europeans were willing to go to countries that had less technology than they did and take it over is amazing. It really makes me question who we are as a species.

Primping to conform

I was at the gas station. A woman was in the car next to me curling her eyelashes. It made me realize once again that we spend a lot of time making sure we conform to the society around us.

No need looking when you can hear

I was walking around the development. A motorcyclist passed on the road next to the path. He then opened it up and produced a loud racket that actually hurt my ears.

I thought about what would happen to me if I drove my car with no muffler. I would get a ticket...In fact I HAVE gotten a ticket. But motorcyclist are allowed to shatter the peace around them. I don't think it is fair.

While I am on "fair", why do I OR a passenger get a ticket if we don't have a seatbelt on, but motorcyclists aren't even breaking the law when they ride around bareheaded?

All I can say is that the motorcycle lobby must have be pretty powerful!

Pharisee creep

I was at a church this weekend that was very different in its presentation. The church prided itself in its open expression of spirituality. At prayer time the leader asked for people to pray for the church, and asked for what should be prayed for. The very first response was to pray for churches that preach intolerance. I don't believe that the woman was being judgemental. I know I have been intolerant of intolerance.

Pharisees were the religious leaders of the Jewish faith during the time of Jesus' life. They were meticulous in keeping the myriad of laws that were part of their religion. Jesus tells a story about a pharisee and a tax collector praying. The pharisee prays that he is thankful he is not like other men, and then lists off all the things that he does. He thanks God that he is not like the despicable tax collector that is praying next to him.

The tax collector prays for God to have mercy on him.

I see the tendency in my own life, when I make progress spiritually, to think that I see more than others, to think that I've arrived. If I have arrived the journey is over, and I know that isn't true.

I have to be very careful with my heart to know to my core that I depend on God for my very existence. When I pray, I am not to pray, "Thank God I am not like those intolerant churches." There is a very thin margin when I think of where I am, to think that I have made it. That pharisee attitude can creep into my heart and create a proud spirit.

Trying to keep up!

On the way to work a white SUV flared up behind me. It crawled real close to my bumper. The blond headed woman looked very frustrated by my presence in "her" lane. When it was clear, she ripped around me and shot back into my lane. That is when I saw the fish on her bumper and instantly judged her rather harshly. "Hypocrite" came spilling from my mouth.

I think the problem is that people want to identify with something, a cause to rally around. But as soon as you do, you are making a non-binding commitment to always be on display before others and open up your life and your faith to ridicule and judgement, because we could never live up to the ideals set by Jesus.

Here is a bumper sticker idea that could be much more helpful in allowing some leeway in being judged by fellow drivers. It might even bring a smile.

A question to ponder, if I am trying to keep up with Jesus, is He doing the speed limit?

People like me

This is an actual e-mail I sent to a place that I dined at. I have deleted the name because it is not my intention to be antagonsitic or hostile.

In the interest of self disclosure, I have been this man. If it was too inconvenient, I wasn't going to do it. I have come to believe that the environment is a spiritual issue and I need to be more willing to do what I can to keep my consumption down. I am starting to see my focus on creation as an act of worship for my Creator.

To whom it may concern,

I was wondering if you recycled your plastics. I noticed that we
generated a lot of garbage that could have been recycled.

Sincerely,
Jim

And the reply:

Jim,

Thank you for the email. At this time, we do not recycle our plastic
plates. At one time we did this and paid significantly to do so.
Disappointingly, we discovered that the company that we obtained to handle
the plastic recycling for us was disposing of the material in the landfill.

Thank you for your interest in _____!

Sincerely,

M___ _____
C.O.O.
______________, Inc.

A roll to remember

This weekend I was a part of a very special occasion. I was asked to sing at a wedding of a good friend of mine. The rub was that she was already married to the man she married this weekend.

My friend is struggling with lung cancer and the prognosis is bleak. She wanted to be able to convert to Catholicism so her children can be confirmed in the church. The event was one of the more moving occasions that I have attended.

She was hoping to walk down the isle, but her walking has deteriorated. So she had her father push her wheelchair down the isle. It doesn't matter sometimes how things get done, it is more important that they get done. My friend is the ultimate pragmatist. She adapts and makes the best of any situation.

She couldn't walk, her eye is patched, because it is for the most part useless. Her face droops on one side and her hair under the wig is mostly gone. And yet, in the midst of all of the things she has had to adapt to in fighting her disease, the true beauty of who she is has not only not been diminished, but has blossomed.

She was a beautiful bride, and we as witnesses to this sacred sacrament stood in awe of her.

"I do"

At the wedding I referenced in "A roll to remember", I talked about singing a song. That wasn't the only time I had sung that song. I sang it at another wedding as well earlier this year. It was a contrast that was amazing between the two. The song I sang was a song about describing a home through the lenses of faith, hope, and love.

The wedding I sang it at, earlier this year, the two were very young. Like all of us who have said "I do", we don't have a clue what we are saying. Making the promise creates a glue so that when we encounter struggles we can fall back on what we have promised. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" are just words. Very few understand the implication of those words.

At this wedding, my friend was very sick. She may not make it. The words "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live" were jarring to listen to. I can only imagine what was going through my friend and her husband's minds while repeating those vows. I'm sure those words are much more real to them today than they were when they originally uttered them.

Due to the impromtu nature of the ceremony, my solo was overlooked. The procession was heading to the food table when someone stopped the party and reminded the bride that I was to sing. She stopped her forward movement and said matter-of-factly, "I will sit right here, Jim, you sing." So I sang.

As I sang I looked into the eyes of the couple. I saw weariness and pain, but I also saw resolve and a deep understanding of what had taken place this day. And I saw love. Real love. Love that only comes from deep suffering.

At the end of the song the bride did something that I will long cherish being a witness to. She reached up for her husband, pulled him down to her and kissed him, fiercly whispering "I love you". The power of that one act and the meaning behind it will stay with me forever.

No matter how much love one feels for another, when the words "I do" are uttered without the full understanding behind it, it lacks the power of the one who says it, and sees...really sees.

Phishing for phunds

Bob Collins on MPR today talked about a new phorm of phishing. Phishing is putting out emotionally charged material and having the unsuspecting person go to their web site where they can then get important passwords and account numbers and then clean out their phunds.

The latest phorm of phishing is political contributions. The phishers are casting their hooks in the phorm of political ads and having you respond to it by providing a small contribution. They then go in and clean out your accounts.

What is insidious about this phorm of phishing is that it is so close to our political process that it just might work. I mean how are you going to be able to distinguish between phishers and politicians? They both say one thing when they mean another, and they don't mind helping themselves to your phunds. I imagine, the way we are going to tell who is who, is that the politicians are visible.

In front or behind

In traffic today the car ahead of me was moving slower than traffic around her. Other cars were moving into her lane in front of her, and beings "somewhat" competitive, I got a wee bit frustrated.

And then I noticed why she was going so slow. She was applying makeup. SHE WAS APPLYING MAKEUP?

Okay, so I found myself a good and peeved. My first thought was to find an opening and gun the car to get around this obstacle in the traffic stream.

Then a thought occurred to me. Did I really want to be ahead of her? If I was ahead and she was applying eyeliner while driving, would I watch her front end grow in my mirror until a forceful impact,. the result of which would poke her eye out?

In an instant, driving behind her at a distance seemed like a much wiser thing to do.

Sex matters

What about my life really matters and who I matter to?

As a parent and a husband, I matter to my wife, and my kids. I also matter to a small group of friends and blog readers, my employer, my students, the people I owe money to, and the IRS.

As I move into my grandparent years, who will I matter to? I hope to matter a lot to my grandkids. I won't matter as much to my children, because they have lives of their own that will intersect less and less with my life. I would like to believe they will enjoy coming to see me, but it will be an commitment for them to do so.

Who will I matter to as a great-grandparent? I will matter much less to my kids and grandkids, and hopefully I'm not too scary to my great-grandchildren. I may matter to a nursing home staff.

How about being a great-great-grandparent? Will I matter to them? Probably not. I will surely be dead by then, and each generation that comes after me becomes less and less conscious of the details of my life.

So really what do I matter in this world?

What I can say definitely is that the only thing that will matter from my life in the larger scheme of life is that I had sex and the sperm found the egg, united and produced a child.

I have heard it said that sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any sex, you won't either.

Mistakes

At the end of class a student admitted to not owning a cell phone for the past four years. She said that when she got sober, it was too difficult to have one because of its association with her drug deals. The whole sentence was said casually with a sense of ownership, but not even a hint of shame.

It was so refreshing to hear her honest admission. It made me once again realize that we have a tendency to say very little about our perceived deficits because of what others may think about us. We can say "everyone makes mistakes" but it is so very hard to admit our own.

Who loves you baby

I have known people in my life who are addicted to toys and symbols of status. I have not struggled too much with status, but I have been ennamoured by my electronics. I have known the feeling that if I only had (fill in the blank) I will be so much happier.

Last night I got an update of my friend battling lung cancer. The doctors are now talking about the length of her life in months. Only time will confirm their accuracy.

My friend is one of the richest people I know. The wealth of her life is in her relationships. She is a person who has given tirelessly to others. And there are many people who care for her. People from many places are praying, encouraging and hoping for good news. These are the true gifts of her life.

You can encase yourself with stuff. You can look like you have the best that living can bring. You can surround yourself with all of it while you are dying. But it can't love you, it won't comfort you and it will never give you a damn thing back!

The magic hands of Dr. Mark

Dr. Mark K. Anderson is a dentist who has been charged by a number of women with being groped while in in the dentist chair. His family, neighbors and church are stunned by the allegations. He insists that he was practicing good medicine. He claimed that in an exam for temporal mandibular joint disorders, (TMJ) he routinely checks patients' upper chests and massages their tight muscles, the memo says.

In documents filed with the dental board, an expert said massaging a patient's chest is an "extreme departure" from standard practice.

Police said another patient, 36, reported that three years ago she saw Anderson for TMJ problems. He told her that her neck, shoulder and chest muscles were all connected to her jaw, and he massaged all three.

Being so thorough in his examinations, I wonder, did he perform that service for his male patients as well?

Helping themselves

On a podcast I was listening to this morning the narrator read Matthew 10:5-14. These verses talks about Jesus sending out the disciples. He instructs them "Don't carry a traveler's bag with an extra coat and sandals or even a walking stick. Don't hesitate to accept hospitality, because those who work deserve to be fed".

In our century, people we are aware of, Ghandi and Mother Theresa came closest to what Jesus instructed His disciples to live like. But there is a breed that have arisen in our American materialistic culture with an insatiable sense of entitlement. I have known people who have used Matthew 10:10 the verse about accepting hospitality from others, "a workman worthy of his hire," as justification for preachers and evangelists being able to help themselves to resources from the local church and it congregants.

It seems to me that getting all the latest new toys, giving themselves large pay raises, buying fancy cars and expensive houses, isn't what Jesus had in mind when he sent off His disciples. These greedy souls seem to have forgotten Jesus' injunction about not carrying "stuff" with them. They seem to look a lot more like evangelical panhandlers, than disciples.

I hesitate to even post this blog because I know there are christian workers who continue to rigidly question their expenditures and hold themselves accountable to others for how they live. I would not deny those who have given up so much, to have comfort in their lives, and the opportunity to raise their family. They are not extravagent, but live realistically within their means, and sometimes even below their needs when support doesn't come in. I have nothing but admiration and respect for them.

Those aren't the ones I am referring to here. The ones that trouble me are the ones who have substituted getting for grace.