Hugging

I met a friend for lunch today. We hadn't seen each other for some time. When we got close arms opened wide and we embraced with reckless abandon. When lunch was over and the hug broke up from saying farewell it was as if my heart had not completed its hug.

I came home and hugged my wife. I thought of the closeness of shared years. Our hearts beat mere inches from the other, pounding out messages of love that have become endearingly familiar.

I thought about the meaning of hugs. We position our chests so hearts are as close in proximity as they can be. It is as close as two hearts can get without cutting open chests. As we embrace, so do our hearts. We press hearts and hold them close. And when we let go, when there is love, there is longing for more.

Huh?

In memory of a good friend

Today, my good friend, Nancy Brusletten, died. She died with friends and family surrounding her with love, after a year and a half battle with lung cancer.

We worked together as therapists and there were a few times where I had the privilege of doing co-therapy with her. What I realized during those times was how gifted she was. As I worked with her the things that came to the surface were that she was very skilled, and she cared about the people she involved herself with. You realized when you worked with her or were her clients that you mattered deeply to her.

The months have passed by and we all watched her succumb to the disease that ended her life here. While her body faltered, her soul never did. As the physical started to deteriorate, her spirit glowed even brighter. She was an amazing person with amazing resolve. She will be missed by those who love her.

As the days went on and she got sicker, it was very hard to say she was "dying". It was almost as if those words were they uttered, would take away the hope that something else would happen. I watched it in the journal that was kept about her journey. I was even afraid to say it. It was Nancy who gave the person who was journaling, permission to say that she was dying.

She has a wonderful husband and three precious children that will have to go on without her physical presence, but the gift of her life that she gave so freely and so unselfishly will live on forever.

I have included the latest journal article that was submitted to CaringBridge. You can read the journal that was kept if you are interested. The link is http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/nancybrusletten . It is a powerful testament of unquestioning submission to God's love and faithfulness and cherishing God even in difficult times. It is also a testament to the fact that all that is important in this life is the love that we share. Things will not satisfy. To see the sacrifices of those around Nancy on her behalf and for her were awe inspiring to say the least. Politics, religion, and the other things that consume our lives are irrelevant. Totally irrelevant!

And now, the latest journal article.

Our prayers for peace have been answered with Nancy passing on to God early this morning. Ron, her mother and her good friend Bobbie were with her. We are all so saddened but so thankful she can be at rest and that her boys now know she will be an Angel for them along their journeys in life. It has been a long journey for Nancy that we all wish could have had a different ending. She fought so very hard to do everything she could to remain here on earth with all of us. She also showed us how strong her faith was and how she was not at all afraid to die and to go to God. She never once got angry or questioned his will. Her love for him will continue to show through all of us she has touched for so long and even through people she just met briefly because this is what Nancy did …she always made an impact and left a special mark along the way of her path. Ron and her boys will continue to love her even though she is gone and Ron will see to it her boys are safe and happy. He has taken such good care of her and shown how he loves her so very much. His boys will be so proud of him as they get older and understand just what he has done for Nancy. I will update more often these next few days with all the arrangements but for now the family would prefer no calls unless it is the returning of a call they made. Right now they need to take care of the boys. Thank you for all the help and support and we will need to continue to support Ron and the boys and pray for them through this very sad time. She is so missed already.
God bless all of you.
Denise

Rich Mullins made a great statement about the meaning of death in our lives.

It is the living that mourn at a funeral-not the dead. We mourn because the lives of the dead have made ours more lively, and since we are (or have been) so knit together, the loss or another's strand will eventually cause our own unraveling. Fellowship is the mingling of threads that make up a fabric, and only in a fabric do we have some kind of meaningfulness. Peace is not the opposite of conflict, it is the opposite of chaos.

Thank you Nancy. You have taught me much by your life and death. I will miss you, and I believe you are now finally at peace.

On a mission from God (part 1) Responsibility

I have been reading a book called “The post-evangelical”. Scattered throughout the text of the book is running commentary from a number of other people responding to what the author is asserting. It is brilliant in demonstrating how a post modern society would take in information.

When the author was talking about truth and whether it is relative or absolute, one of the commentators who has not looked very agreeable to the concepts put out by the author, made this statement.

"I wonder if post-evangelicals are willing to concede that not everyone is called to wallow in the ambiguities of provisional truth. Evangelicals hold some truths with deep certainty and believe this certainty-faith- may even be a gift of God. Post-evangelicals may lack certainty as a divine reminder that the kingdom of heaven has not yet arrived and that our lives and theology are provisional until Christ comes again. But we need evangelicals to speak God's truth confidently in order to buoy up many people who would otherwise lead listless lives." Dave Tomlinson "The post evangelical" Zondervan Grand Rapids, MI. 2003 p.93 comment by Mark Galli

What struck me about that statement more than others he made was the implication that others were responsible to make sure your life didn’t blow. It is the responsibility of the “faithful” to prop up the “listless and give them a reason to live?

I know the Bible talks about being your brother’s keeper, but where is the responsibility of the person? Dr. Phil in his book “Life strategies” makes the point that we do what works. I read a blog of a friend of mine who has finally decided that the life of drinking and partying hasn’t satisfied her, so she is making her way back to God.

Why be concerned about someone being listless. If it is working for them, they are not going to make great “converts”. When they get tired of their life and want something different they will go looking for something better.

In the faith practice I grew up in, we were made to feel guilty about not going out and “saving the lost”. But what if the lost don't want to be saved? What then? I have experienced in some evangelical circles that I'm not trying hard enough.

Maybe we don't need to try at all, but simply tell our story of what God has done in my life and where my life is and let them decide what they want.

On a mission from God (part 2) Rescue me

A second reaction I had to the commentator in the book "The Post Evangelical" was the whole concept of accepting the mission to rescue the hopeless souls trapped by the "enemy". If it is my job to make sure that the listless are rescued, then I am a rescuer. All of a sudden I have something to uphold. One thing about heroes is that they save the day whether their house is in order or not.

A friend of mine working as a pastor's secretary answered the phone years ago at her job. She talked to a distraught woman who stated that she believed that Jesus couldn't save her because her sins were so great. My friend answered her that Jesus had forgiven all our sins, and my friend in fact was saved of her sins. The woman quickly retorted "what sins have you been forgiven of. My friend laughed and said "Honestly Jim, I drew a blank. I didn't know what to answer her. I couldn't think of one!"

If our mission is to save the lost, then it is very easy to believe as a rescuer we put our own soul state on hold. After all I am doing God's work. It can grow into a state of finding self worth in saving souls. As others see the "souls we have won" they approve of us more, and in time the danger is that we stop seeing where our souls are drying up and shriveling inside. We don't see where we need saving. It moves into what we are doing for others.

When that happens we become lost. "Honest Jim, I couldn't think of a single sin." A very powerful and damaging disconnect.

Killing silence

In the years that preceded technology it took a long time to communicate through anything other than face-to-face. As the days turned into weeks it became more difficult to not wonder how the communication had been recieved. One could simply assume that the return correspondence was in transit somewhere.

With the advent of technology the ability to obtain real time information has been amazing. However, one of the byproducts of that technology is the absence of a reply becomes more painful, more quickly. We send an e-mail, we leave a voicemail. The longer it takes for a response back, the more painful the waiting. It has been reduced from weeks and months, to minutes and hours.

Giving one the silent treatment can be a form of punishment. If one were to give the silent treatment pre-technology, one would have had to keep silent much longer. Nowadays, silent treatment can be as instant as sending a call to voicemail

During the absence of feedback, my mind starts to wonder how the other is feeling. It can start to eat at me in terms of response time. When I don't hear, my mind quickly starts to consider different options. It is always a great thing when the response comes back, either positive or negative, because the knowing helps me feel on firmer ground.

Squabbles

One of the presents given for Christmas was a game called "Scene it Squabble". The goal was to see how well one sex knows the other in regards to movies and pop culture. The genders were put on opposite teams and asked stereotypical questions.

It didn't take long to realize that stereotypes do not do a good job at defining a person. We started laughing at the absurdity of some of the questions. Game tokens were gender stereotyped, and some of the game cards that let you move forward or back were almost troubling.

As the game went on, it became increasingly obvious how limiting stereotypical labels are, and that people are way too complex to narrow down to simple black and white boxes.

Putting what we encounter into categories is a marvelous quick sorting tool to approach the world, but it is like putting a swatch of paint on a part of the wall to see how well it creates an effect. The entire wall must be painted for the effect of the paint color to be realized. We can quickly sort people and things into categories, but then one must move on to a more holistic understanding of who the individual is.

To do less than that is to devalue the other. To do less than that is ignorant. To do less than that is negligent.

Timeless time

Yesterday was Christmas and it was a very good day. Moving up to Christmas, plans were in flux as to who was going to be where. We saw different children as the day moved from Christmas eve to Christmas.

On Christmas day evening the family was all together. It was a timeless moment of bliss.

These are moments to be savored. There is no way to predict what will happen in the future. All we can count on is this moment. And we did. It was a good day. A very good day.

One of the great mysteries in our lives is the passing of time. Time is equal units. It is measured and we can live our lives by its order. This was just a moment in time. While it ended too soon, it is eternal.

Merry Christmas

It's been my perception that saying "happy holidays" or "merry Christmas" based on a religious view has not been as pronounced this holiday season. I remember more people getting upset last year. I don't know if I'm not exposed to that line of thinking much these days or it really has died down.

I have decided that I will through the years use the phrase "Merry Christmas". I will not use it because I think it will have a redemptive aspect towards our increasingly "godless" culture. I will not use it because I want to upset those who want to stop people from saying the word.

No! I will use the phrase "Merry Christmas" because that is the holiday we are celebrating. It is Christmas. And retailers DEPEND on you not forgetting it.

So as long as there are retailers dependent on Christmas I will say "Merry Christmas"

I will admit that one phrase that has hit the cutting room floor during the Christmas season is "Hohoho".

From physical to spirit

"Do you remember when I told Ted Koppel that pretty soon someone was gonna have to wipe my ass?" He said.

I laughed. You don't forget a moment like that.

"Well, I think that day is coming. That one bothers me."

"Why?"

"Because it's the ultimate sign of dependency. Someone wiping your bottom. But I'm working on it. I'm trying to enjoy the process."

"Enjoy it?"

"Yes. After all, I get to be a baby one more time."

That's a unique way of looking at it.

"Well I have to look at life uniquely now. Let's face it. I can't go shopping. I can't take care of the bank accounts, I can't take out the garbage. But I can sit here with my dwindling days and look at what I think is important in life. I have both the time - and the reason - to do that."

"The most important thing in life is to learn how to give out love, and let it come in."

His voice dropped to a whisper. "Let it come in. We think we don't deserve love, we think if we let it in we'll become too soft. But a wise man named Levine said it right. He said 'love is the only rational act.' "

Mitch Albom, "Tuesdays with Morrie" Doubleday New York 1997 p.49-50

In my class a student presented concepts embodied in this book. She read this passage from the book. I had read the book a number of years ago. I had forgotten that part. I was so grateful for her reminding me of it.

A lot of the class laughed nervously. It is VERY uncomfortable to consider that this is our destiny, but there was no denying the power in those words. Morrie expressed something that we in our deepest parts want to believe but struggle mightily in having to deal with; that healthy dependency is something to be embraced to be able to experience love.

We start out as infants with no shame about having all our needs taken care of. Observe an infant having his or her butt wiped while they look around the room not worried at all about who is watching. As we grow we move towards greater independence. Any deviating from that independence is accompanied by shame from the social group we move in. As we age we move back towards dependency and we have to relearn how to be comfortable in it once again.

In the book "The power of myth" Joseph Campbell explains how our transition in life is from physical to spiritual, from form to spirit. From the moment we are born we are in the process of dying. We shouldn't be surprised by it. The work of maturing is to rely on the body less, and on the spirit more. This is the work of our lives.

It seems that for many, that is a difficult if not impossible transition. Denial is much more effective in helping us get through the day, at least in the short term.

(photo from http://www.hms.harvard.edu/cdi/pallcare)

Chatter

News reporters seem to love using the word "chatter". This refers to the increase in conversation, and correspondence that occurs when there is a significant finding, a significant breech in security, a significant event that activates human energy. When that energy is elevated, "chatter" occurs.

I recognize that in my life as well. When there is significant emotional energy that increases in my life I find my "chatter" goes up as well. Internal conversations start in my mind with people who have triggered the energy increase.

Much like intelligence agencies, I try to pay attention to my "chatter" to alert me to my internal states.

Shouting monkey sex

I have to be careful here, but I just couldn't let this study go by without comment. I tried. I debated. In the end I posted. It just shouted blog!

It has been known for years that female monkeys shout during intercourse. What researchers didn't know was why. What has been discovered recently is that the shouting makes the males climax quicker. Some monkeys almost never ejaculated without the shouting. You can read the tawdry details in the article. Here is the link: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22327844/

If I understand this correctly, the female monkey shouts to let the male know when she is most fertile thereby giving the sperm its greatest chance. Then she shouts during the sex act to hurry it along. I guess there is nothing like a shouting female to increase arousal in an ape. In a side note, this finding explained so much about King Kong and his relationship to Faye Wray.

To sum it up, monkey females seem to be much more "metasexual" in their approach to reproduction, They see beyond the act itself. First they shout..."Hey moron, I'm fertile here! Get a clue!" Then when the male monkey is thrusting, the female shouts to hurry him along. "Hey moron, we don't have all day, I need to get dinner going!" If monkey sex were in the metaphor of a home building company, the female would be the architect and the male is mainly there to hammer and nail.

It's comforting to realize how distant we are from the primate world.

Tribute to a friend I've never met

Today a person who has been meaningful in my life died of prostate cancer. In the 70's as I was trying to figure out my life I heard a song called "There's a place in the world for a gambler." It was a simple melody and repetitive verses, but I remember the power it had in my life, the sense of permission he gave to me to roll the dice of life a little. I would have to say that subsequent albums matched the stage of life I was going through and his songs acted somewhat as soundtracks for my life.

I fell away from being a fan when he released his best hits album, but his music and ideas have had a huge hand in shaping me into the man I have become. I found his lyrics to be some of the best around.

If you want to check out his website it is http://www.danfogelberg.com/index.html

Thank you Dan.

Judging fruit

I have lived with the belief that if I just tried harder I could do better. When I struggled with habits and negative thinking in my life, I tried harder to be better, to stop moving in that direction. It never worked. The more I tried the more frustrated I got when I failed, and the more exhausting it became. And when I get tired, I tend to quit.

The answer lies more in letting go, and focusing on things that will bring healthy thinking and acting. Consider a fruit tree. We can tell the quality of a tree by the fruit it produces. Unhealthy trees don't produce good fruit or any fruit. Good fruit comes from healthy trees When a tree doesn't give good fruit or any fruit at all, the answer is not to have the tree try harder. It is to seek interventions that will improve the health of the tree. This thinking works for a person as well as a tree.The outcome of a person's life, how you feel after spending time with them, the outcomes of other relationships can be metaphorized by a tree and its fruit.

One way to get healthier is to let go of the need for control. Control poisons the soil and guarantees stunted or bitter fruit. The more one needs to control the world around them, the more the fruit becomes tainted. Letting go of the things you can't control creates a sense of freedom which creates fertile soil.

Letting go is not giving up, it's acknowledging you can't do it on your own, that you need the help and support from others. It is learning to become dependent on the love

If there is little or no fruit, if the fruit is bitter, you are not looking at a healthy tree. Fruit therefore is a mark of how healthy a tree is.

The same can be said about a person.

Soul care

I have been doing some thinking about the soul. I am realizing how little my soul was tended to in the faith practices I have been involved in, as well as how little I have tended my own soul.

I would describe the soul as that energy inside each of us that seeks mystery, and admission to the sacred. It is connection to the divine, connection between people, and our connection to our environment. The soul is the part of us that connects us to life.

What I have found missing in what I have observed of the neo-evangelical movement is connection. The message of heaven is much like a 401K program. When you receive Jesus as your personal savior, following their prescibed ritual, you are assured heaven which is where your soul goes, according to them, when you physically die. The only reason to associate with those outside the faith, is to give them the information that will enable them to start their own celestial 401k plan. Otherwise the "faithful" stay cloistered from the outside world. They are encouraged to focus on passion and devotion for God with their souls as inaccessible as the money from a retirement plan.

They struggle to see how the degrading of the environment is their concern as they don't access their soul to connect with it. They are completely disconnected from where their food comes from. They trust the USDA to let them know if they should be concerned. They have no connection to the animals and produce that sustains them. They remain ignorant of the conditions of the laborers who struggle to provide them with the things they consume. Some of this is a result of living in this time period and in American culture. Where their souls are connected to is their heavenly 401k program that they believe is earning rewards for every good deed they do.

And ironically, the further we move into this line of thinking the more disconnected we are from God, the world around us, and ultimately ourselves.

I confess that I am that person as well. My soul is rusty from inactivity, and soul substitutes have crept in, creating erosion. My soul needs tending to, it needs nourishment. I am on a restoration path. I am seeking a greater connection to creation, and to my life. Most importantly I am seeking a greater connection to my creator.

Answering the monk

Comments on the 12-10-07 edition of internetmonk podcast. Michael Spencer defined what he meant when he talked about being a post-evangelical. He was very clear to point out that he was using it in the sense of moving past what evangelicalism has become in it's commercial, consumer driven mentality. He stated that when he talked to some, post-evangelicalism referred to a less defined faith system, almost squishy in its lack of elucidation, a catch-all category for any sort of belief in Jesus. Michael was very clear in stating his discomfort with that type of theology.

Listening to the podcast, I share Michael's concern about the state of the American evangelical church. Beyond commercialism and consumerism, in some denominations it is also the brazen belief that they alone speak for God in their narrowminded dogmatism. I am repulsed by it.

In my journey I have come to see God as so much bigger, in fact too big for my mind to wrap around. At this time, attempting to define him, feels limiting. I know at some point I will need a more encompassing definition. That would be down the road a while. Right now I am floating in my faith and rejecting labels. A working definition for where I am at this time is simply following the example of Jesus and focusing on love and service.

However, at this time squishy feels comforting and freeing, not wounding and stifling.

Accountability and non-conformity

A friend and I were hashing out the difference between accountability and conformity. What we came to was that to be a non-conformist is not the same as being unaccountable.

Non-conformity has to do with not being afraid to buck the system if necessary. At times there is a need for someone to not follow the herd mentality.

Accountability has to do with taking responsibility for your actions. Those who are unaccountable for their actions take no responsibility for what they act like nor what impact they have on others. They are a law unto themselves.

I will always strive to be a bit of a non-conformist, but I work very hard to make sure I am accountable for who I am.

Charity for whom?

My daughter came home and talked about a fund raising opportunity. I was interested. Then she told me what she could get if she got so much donated. It was fund raising with a prize at the end.

Minnesota Public Radio hands out gifts for donations. Many other organizations offer prizes for fund raising.

It seems to me that anything that promises something that feeds our desire to acquire, in my opinion, diminishes the compassionate act.

iGolf

Sitting at a local restaurant a while back (when it was warm) I saw a man walk in dressed in black pants with a white mock turtleneck shirt, and a black sweater vest tying the whole ensemble together. All he was missing was the glove and spiked shoes. His outfit screamed iGolf.

I guess we are never too old to play dress-up.

Emotional seatbelts

A man reached for his wife's hand in church today. They extended their arms in front of their daughter, age 8 or 9, to hold hands. The daughter was strangely unconcerned about the invasion into her space. In fact she hugged both arms.

I know that when couples divorce the desire of younger children is that their parents get back together again. Just getting back together again signals that the world is right again. It feels safe.

I heard someone say that the best gift you could give to your child is to love their mother.

I believe that the act between this mom and dad was a signal of safety for the daughter.

In the bumpy road of life it's nice to have emotional seabelts.

A sign of growing older

A while back I was in the grocery store and thought some baked red potatoes would taste so good for dinner. I bought a bag. Today I just threw them out as they were unused and rotting.
I remember my grandfather going to the store every day and only picking up enough for the day. The next day he would want to go again. I remember thinking "what a waste!"
I had the same thought today as I threw the bag out. "What a waste!" I told my wife "I think what I should do is just buy what I need on a given day."

That's when it hit me. I have found the path my grandfather trod and it won't be long before I am asking someone to take me to the store so I can purchase only what I need for today.

One the bright side the bags are not quite so heavy to carry.

Wildlife preserve

A friend of mine shared with me that he thought the church should be like a wildlife preserve; there should be no shooting.

I know that the talks that have had the biggest impact on me were not when the speaker was aiming for me, but when God softly whispered areas I need to look at.

What would churches look like if that ideology was practiced?

Salvation and status quo

In evaluating how I have done over the last month with some of my new perceptions, I would have to say that I scored really low. I started out strong, but some of my resolves have melted away or been reduced to meaninglessness. I have played the "tomorrow I'll be better." routine. And of course tomorrow never comes.

Many times if not every time, salvation is about maintaining perspective. I may see a different world, invoke a different way of seeing. I may make commitments to change some things about myself, but like a fully clothed drowning man, what covers me, what has fit me, what I cover myself with is killing me. Status quo like the snake in the garden hisses to me, "do you really need to shed it all. That's a really hard choice, don't be so hasty!" And with that, the will is paralyzed.

So when will I kick off the clothes that have become shrouds? When will I act on my salvation?

Tomorrow?

Guilt enough to go around

A friend of mine told me that her two kids are sick today. She said that she felt so guilty about it.

Maybe that is why so many moms can wield guilt so effectively. They are just peddling their own personal inner state.

Make it a good day

A morning radio show I listen to on MPR ends with the announcer saying "Make it a good day!" It is always a wonderful reminder that no matter what mood we wake up with, we have the power to make it a good day.

For the first time in my life I have had to contend with rush hour traffic. I don't like the person I am becoming. I am snarly, and disagreeable. I don't have to be. I can make it a good day. I am not a slave to my moods. It really is my decision.

Entering the kingdom

You always know when kids are at recess. The noise levels increase. There is shouting and screaming. Kids are running around aimlessly extending their arms out like gliding birds. They climb, they jump, they push, they scream.

Compare that to recreating adults. It is usualy much more reserved, and except for sporting events, there is not much noise. We have learned how to behave.

Jesus said that unless we become like a little child we won't enter the kingdom of heaven. What would motivate him to say that?

Most children, if they are allowed to be children are not worried about the future. They are entirely in the present.

Most children, if they are allowed to be children are not worried about whether they or their behavior is accepted.

Most children, if they are allowed to be children express their joy in loud and boistrous ways.

Most children, if they are allowed to be children don't put a lot of thought into something before they try it. They simply say...let's try this! This is the cause of many childhood injuries. But with an injury comes learning.

With adulthood comes the mantle of cares. They weigh us down. They stifle us. They confine us.

Maybe Jesus is waiting for us to say "Come on! Let's try this!"

An inconvenient weather situation

It is all over the news. We are supposed to get a lot of snow, for our area, this weekend. It has been on all the news casts and they are predicting 6-12 inches. That is substantial for this area. I looked out the window in the morning. There is no snow, it is not snowing, but I'm looking for signs to confirm its arrival.

Earlier this week I didn't watch the news. When I got into bed it was about 20 degrees F. When I got up I told me wife that it was 30 degrees F. Something didn't look right on the temperature gage. I looked closer and realized that I hadn't acknowledged the decimal point. It was 3 degrees. It went from mild winter weather to rather severe weather without warning. We had what we needed to survive the cold and it was inconvenient, but not life threatening.

I think weather forcasting has changed. It has moved more from what you need to know to protect yourself to how inconvenienced we are.

And me? I guess I'm grateful that I didn't have to commute during the storm. Knowing me, that could have been life-threatening!