Below the surface

I fixed my computer last night. I have a 12" mac powerbook that has had a problem with a fan coming on and the CPU running pretty hot. I asked a number of different people, even those at the Genius Bar if there was anything I could do about it. I was told a number of times that they just run hot, so I just accepted it.

What I discovered was a program that was running below the radar that was using up a lot of resources. And with the fan running, my battery life was pathetic, about 45 minutes if the fan didn't kick into high. In removing the program my computer instantly responded and has been running very cool. I got about two and a half hours out of the battery last night.

I was driving in rush hour traffic while listening to a podcast from Mars Hill. I was a little behind in my listening and they were in Lent season. The speaker was talking about facing different parts of your life. It was a meditative session and the speaking was quiet.

I on the other hand was frustrated by being cut off in a lane, a slow driver, an inconsiderate woman who wouldn't let me pass. Below the surface of my life is a reservoir of rage that can be covered up by socially polite speech, and the appearance of calm.

For many years I dealt with intense anger towards some significant people in my life. I would claim to work through it and "be healed". I wasn't. It wasn't until I entered into the anger and the rage and faced the monsters of bitterness, resentment, and rage, that I was truly able to move on. And in the process of facing it, it forever altered me.

My computer was a great metaphor for my life. Areas of my life continue to lay seemingly dormant, and by not dealing with them, it continues to hamper my performance.