Pharisee creep

I was at a church this weekend that was very different in its presentation. The church prided itself in its open expression of spirituality. At prayer time the leader asked for people to pray for the church, and asked for what should be prayed for. The very first response was to pray for churches that preach intolerance. I don't believe that the woman was being judgemental. I know I have been intolerant of intolerance.

Pharisees were the religious leaders of the Jewish faith during the time of Jesus' life. They were meticulous in keeping the myriad of laws that were part of their religion. Jesus tells a story about a pharisee and a tax collector praying. The pharisee prays that he is thankful he is not like other men, and then lists off all the things that he does. He thanks God that he is not like the despicable tax collector that is praying next to him.

The tax collector prays for God to have mercy on him.

I see the tendency in my own life, when I make progress spiritually, to think that I see more than others, to think that I've arrived. If I have arrived the journey is over, and I know that isn't true.

I have to be very careful with my heart to know to my core that I depend on God for my very existence. When I pray, I am not to pray, "Thank God I am not like those intolerant churches." There is a very thin margin when I think of where I am, to think that I have made it. That pharisee attitude can creep into my heart and create a proud spirit.

Trying to keep up!

On the way to work a white SUV flared up behind me. It crawled real close to my bumper. The blond headed woman looked very frustrated by my presence in "her" lane. When it was clear, she ripped around me and shot back into my lane. That is when I saw the fish on her bumper and instantly judged her rather harshly. "Hypocrite" came spilling from my mouth.

I think the problem is that people want to identify with something, a cause to rally around. But as soon as you do, you are making a non-binding commitment to always be on display before others and open up your life and your faith to ridicule and judgement, because we could never live up to the ideals set by Jesus.

Here is a bumper sticker idea that could be much more helpful in allowing some leeway in being judged by fellow drivers. It might even bring a smile.

A question to ponder, if I am trying to keep up with Jesus, is He doing the speed limit?

People like me

This is an actual e-mail I sent to a place that I dined at. I have deleted the name because it is not my intention to be antagonsitic or hostile.

In the interest of self disclosure, I have been this man. If it was too inconvenient, I wasn't going to do it. I have come to believe that the environment is a spiritual issue and I need to be more willing to do what I can to keep my consumption down. I am starting to see my focus on creation as an act of worship for my Creator.

To whom it may concern,

I was wondering if you recycled your plastics. I noticed that we
generated a lot of garbage that could have been recycled.

Sincerely,
Jim

And the reply:

Jim,

Thank you for the email. At this time, we do not recycle our plastic
plates. At one time we did this and paid significantly to do so.
Disappointingly, we discovered that the company that we obtained to handle
the plastic recycling for us was disposing of the material in the landfill.

Thank you for your interest in _____!

Sincerely,

M___ _____
C.O.O.
______________, Inc.

A roll to remember

This weekend I was a part of a very special occasion. I was asked to sing at a wedding of a good friend of mine. The rub was that she was already married to the man she married this weekend.

My friend is struggling with lung cancer and the prognosis is bleak. She wanted to be able to convert to Catholicism so her children can be confirmed in the church. The event was one of the more moving occasions that I have attended.

She was hoping to walk down the isle, but her walking has deteriorated. So she had her father push her wheelchair down the isle. It doesn't matter sometimes how things get done, it is more important that they get done. My friend is the ultimate pragmatist. She adapts and makes the best of any situation.

She couldn't walk, her eye is patched, because it is for the most part useless. Her face droops on one side and her hair under the wig is mostly gone. And yet, in the midst of all of the things she has had to adapt to in fighting her disease, the true beauty of who she is has not only not been diminished, but has blossomed.

She was a beautiful bride, and we as witnesses to this sacred sacrament stood in awe of her.

"I do"

At the wedding I referenced in "A roll to remember", I talked about singing a song. That wasn't the only time I had sung that song. I sang it at another wedding as well earlier this year. It was a contrast that was amazing between the two. The song I sang was a song about describing a home through the lenses of faith, hope, and love.

The wedding I sang it at, earlier this year, the two were very young. Like all of us who have said "I do", we don't have a clue what we are saying. Making the promise creates a glue so that when we encounter struggles we can fall back on what we have promised. "For better or worse, in sickness and in health" are just words. Very few understand the implication of those words.

At this wedding, my friend was very sick. She may not make it. The words "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, as long as you both shall live" were jarring to listen to. I can only imagine what was going through my friend and her husband's minds while repeating those vows. I'm sure those words are much more real to them today than they were when they originally uttered them.

Due to the impromtu nature of the ceremony, my solo was overlooked. The procession was heading to the food table when someone stopped the party and reminded the bride that I was to sing. She stopped her forward movement and said matter-of-factly, "I will sit right here, Jim, you sing." So I sang.

As I sang I looked into the eyes of the couple. I saw weariness and pain, but I also saw resolve and a deep understanding of what had taken place this day. And I saw love. Real love. Love that only comes from deep suffering.

At the end of the song the bride did something that I will long cherish being a witness to. She reached up for her husband, pulled him down to her and kissed him, fiercly whispering "I love you". The power of that one act and the meaning behind it will stay with me forever.

No matter how much love one feels for another, when the words "I do" are uttered without the full understanding behind it, it lacks the power of the one who says it, and sees...really sees.

Phishing for phunds

Bob Collins on MPR today talked about a new phorm of phishing. Phishing is putting out emotionally charged material and having the unsuspecting person go to their web site where they can then get important passwords and account numbers and then clean out their phunds.

The latest phorm of phishing is political contributions. The phishers are casting their hooks in the phorm of political ads and having you respond to it by providing a small contribution. They then go in and clean out your accounts.

What is insidious about this phorm of phishing is that it is so close to our political process that it just might work. I mean how are you going to be able to distinguish between phishers and politicians? They both say one thing when they mean another, and they don't mind helping themselves to your phunds. I imagine, the way we are going to tell who is who, is that the politicians are visible.

In front or behind

In traffic today the car ahead of me was moving slower than traffic around her. Other cars were moving into her lane in front of her, and beings "somewhat" competitive, I got a wee bit frustrated.

And then I noticed why she was going so slow. She was applying makeup. SHE WAS APPLYING MAKEUP?

Okay, so I found myself a good and peeved. My first thought was to find an opening and gun the car to get around this obstacle in the traffic stream.

Then a thought occurred to me. Did I really want to be ahead of her? If I was ahead and she was applying eyeliner while driving, would I watch her front end grow in my mirror until a forceful impact,. the result of which would poke her eye out?

In an instant, driving behind her at a distance seemed like a much wiser thing to do.

Sex matters

What about my life really matters and who I matter to?

As a parent and a husband, I matter to my wife, and my kids. I also matter to a small group of friends and blog readers, my employer, my students, the people I owe money to, and the IRS.

As I move into my grandparent years, who will I matter to? I hope to matter a lot to my grandkids. I won't matter as much to my children, because they have lives of their own that will intersect less and less with my life. I would like to believe they will enjoy coming to see me, but it will be an commitment for them to do so.

Who will I matter to as a great-grandparent? I will matter much less to my kids and grandkids, and hopefully I'm not too scary to my great-grandchildren. I may matter to a nursing home staff.

How about being a great-great-grandparent? Will I matter to them? Probably not. I will surely be dead by then, and each generation that comes after me becomes less and less conscious of the details of my life.

So really what do I matter in this world?

What I can say definitely is that the only thing that will matter from my life in the larger scheme of life is that I had sex and the sperm found the egg, united and produced a child.

I have heard it said that sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any sex, you won't either.

Mistakes

At the end of class a student admitted to not owning a cell phone for the past four years. She said that when she got sober, it was too difficult to have one because of its association with her drug deals. The whole sentence was said casually with a sense of ownership, but not even a hint of shame.

It was so refreshing to hear her honest admission. It made me once again realize that we have a tendency to say very little about our perceived deficits because of what others may think about us. We can say "everyone makes mistakes" but it is so very hard to admit our own.

Who loves you baby

I have known people in my life who are addicted to toys and symbols of status. I have not struggled too much with status, but I have been ennamoured by my electronics. I have known the feeling that if I only had (fill in the blank) I will be so much happier.

Last night I got an update of my friend battling lung cancer. The doctors are now talking about the length of her life in months. Only time will confirm their accuracy.

My friend is one of the richest people I know. The wealth of her life is in her relationships. She is a person who has given tirelessly to others. And there are many people who care for her. People from many places are praying, encouraging and hoping for good news. These are the true gifts of her life.

You can encase yourself with stuff. You can look like you have the best that living can bring. You can surround yourself with all of it while you are dying. But it can't love you, it won't comfort you and it will never give you a damn thing back!

The magic hands of Dr. Mark

Dr. Mark K. Anderson is a dentist who has been charged by a number of women with being groped while in in the dentist chair. His family, neighbors and church are stunned by the allegations. He insists that he was practicing good medicine. He claimed that in an exam for temporal mandibular joint disorders, (TMJ) he routinely checks patients' upper chests and massages their tight muscles, the memo says.

In documents filed with the dental board, an expert said massaging a patient's chest is an "extreme departure" from standard practice.

Police said another patient, 36, reported that three years ago she saw Anderson for TMJ problems. He told her that her neck, shoulder and chest muscles were all connected to her jaw, and he massaged all three.

Being so thorough in his examinations, I wonder, did he perform that service for his male patients as well?

Helping themselves

On a podcast I was listening to this morning the narrator read Matthew 10:5-14. These verses talks about Jesus sending out the disciples. He instructs them "Don't carry a traveler's bag with an extra coat and sandals or even a walking stick. Don't hesitate to accept hospitality, because those who work deserve to be fed".

In our century, people we are aware of, Ghandi and Mother Theresa came closest to what Jesus instructed His disciples to live like. But there is a breed that have arisen in our American materialistic culture with an insatiable sense of entitlement. I have known people who have used Matthew 10:10 the verse about accepting hospitality from others, "a workman worthy of his hire," as justification for preachers and evangelists being able to help themselves to resources from the local church and it congregants.

It seems to me that getting all the latest new toys, giving themselves large pay raises, buying fancy cars and expensive houses, isn't what Jesus had in mind when he sent off His disciples. These greedy souls seem to have forgotten Jesus' injunction about not carrying "stuff" with them. They seem to look a lot more like evangelical panhandlers, than disciples.

I hesitate to even post this blog because I know there are christian workers who continue to rigidly question their expenditures and hold themselves accountable to others for how they live. I would not deny those who have given up so much, to have comfort in their lives, and the opportunity to raise their family. They are not extravagent, but live realistically within their means, and sometimes even below their needs when support doesn't come in. I have nothing but admiration and respect for them.

Those aren't the ones I am referring to here. The ones that trouble me are the ones who have substituted getting for grace.

Am I truly loving?

1 Corinthians 13: says that love is not irritable.

Am I truly loving when my daughter asks for something that inconveniences me and her face looks more like duck and cover, than confidence?

Am I truly loving when my reaction to being inconvenienced on the roadways ends in a growl rather than in grace?

If I am irritable, can I say I'm loving?

Question answered

I have long wondered and now understand why cats end up as road kill more often than dogs. Cats can be single minded stalkers.

I was driving neighborhood streets and witnessed a cat crawling across the road to sneak up on a bird. It was so focused on it's intended victim, that I had to stop my car to avoid running over it. It didn't notice my car at all.

The cat didn't get the bird after all. The fowl may live longer than the feline, at least in this neighborhood.

The city that launched celebrities

This weekend I went with one of my sons to Bob Dylan's hometown of Hibbing Minnesota. It is four hours north of the Twin Cities on the Iron Range. Pictured is Bob Dylan's childhood home on Bob Dylan Drive.

What I learned was that Hibbing not only launched Bob Dylan, but also Vincent Bugliosi, graduating from Hibbing High School in 1952, (the prosecuting attourney that successfully prosecuted the Manson family), and Gary Puckett who graduated from Hibbing High School in 1942, (from Gary Puckett and the Union Gap).

It was a small unpretentious mining town that made you work hard to find its famous sons.

Baby steps

I am desiring to be a better steward of the environment. I have worked harder at recyling. One of the thoughts I have considered was reducing or cutting out meat from my diet. I know that it could be better for me and I could reduce, in a very small way, the impact on animals being treated cruelly for food production.

I told one of my sons that I have been considering vegitarian. I wasn't interested in going vegan. He asked what I do about the dairy farms that abuse animals. I have seen video footage about the squalid condition of some egg laying chickens. I told him "I didn't know." He then in a gentle way asked me about how I felt about using animals for my clothing.

In that moment it all crashed in on me. I realized how much I am virtually locked into the way this world operates. I felt deflated. I wanted to say "just forget it!" There appears to be no way out of this and becoming a responsible steward of God's creation without a massive life restructuring project.

I need to accept that I can only do what I can do. I can reduce what I consume, I can be more responsible. I can become increasingly aware.

It is better to take baby steps than none at all.

Negotiation

I walked by a high school girl several times while shopping at Target. She was wearing jeans, a tight pink top, braces and blond hair. The first time she was talking to a high school friend as they attempted to divide and conquer the store.

The next time I saw her, she appeared to be in intense conversation with her parents. She was vehemently describing why she needed the merchandice she was waving over her head. I smiled as I walked by.

I have had many of those discussions. Teenagers lacking the resources pleading with the resource guardians to relax their grip a little to allow "just this one thing that I REALLY need." And of course as a parent what you realize is that it is NEVER just this one thing. There is ALWAYS the next item can't be lived without.

It occurred to me that we develop that skill early. We practice it all through our life with our jobs, our spouses, friends, and God.

I think I just observed how God must see me when I plead for "just this one thing". I probably don't look too much different to God, than that begging teen except for maybe the tight top and the braces.

The posture of care

I was listening to podcast from Mars Hill Church. The speaker talked very poignantly and powerfully about the experiences he and his wife had after a miscarrage, how they were treated by well meaning people, who appeared increasingly uncomfortable interacting with them because they didn't know what to say.

I visited with a friend of mine who is battling lung cancer. When I got to the door her dog was barking furiously. My friend came to the door, told me to come in and moved to her knees to comfort the dog. I came in the door and moved to my knees as well and hugged her. We stayed in that position for at least a minute. There was no hurry to get up, but rather to communicate through touch and tears. Words were incredibly inadequate.

The speaker on the podcast talked about how his friend had had a child the same day that he and his wife miscarried. He talked about how his friend told him that he would wait as long as the couple that miscarried needed to, to introduce them to their baby. His friend knew the pain it would cause and was willing to wait His friend informed him that he would do anything the couple that lost their child needed him to do.

Care is like that. First and foremost, you can't care effectively for others when you haven't dealt with your own pain. You don't have the ability to be present for the other person because your own issues are screaming too loud.

After that, the posture assumed is whatever the other person needs to be able to deal with what life has dealt them.

Kneeling on the floor of a friend's house may have been a strange sight to some. There were no second thoughts or worries about what others were thinking about it. It was on our knees where we connected in her pain, her courage, her loss, and her hope.

Road kill with clothes on

A headline caught my eye. "I-880 in Hayward jammed after fatality." Since we lived at that location years ago I looked at the news report.

The actual line from the news report is as follows: Motorists initially reported shortly before 6 a.m. that an animal had been hit numerous times by cars on the freeway north of Winton Road. But other witnesses called in a half-hour later, saying there was clothing in the road about 100 yards down, and officers confirmed that someone had been hit, CHP officials said.

I know that the lifestyle there is very fast paced, but come on. The road kill here turned out to be a 50 year old man. Are you serious? For a half an hour people ran over a person thinking it was an animal? Hopefully they didn't spill their coffee from the impact.

Out of the box

I was talking with a friend of mine the other day about defining what salvation is and how it is experienced. I talked about how as my view of God has gotten bigger, the "prayer of salvation", that prayer of accepting Jesus in my heart, has become increasingly inadequate to encompass the limitlessness of God.

I loosely paraphrased from memory what MJ had commented in the post "slipping off my tether". I told my friend that one must listen for the still small voice and when you hear it, do what it says. MJ's exact quote was "we are called by that still small voice that says "follow me". In following there is surrender, in surrendering, there is loss of control and in that there is real faith. The longer we seek, the more we learn of God, and the less we know". (Okay, so that was a really poor paraphrase!)

My friend had a real problem with the ambiguous nature of the idea of just following what a voice says, and I don't blame her. She talked about being deeply hurt by people who were responsible for her, and who claimed that they had heard God's call and were following it. We both are very aware that what those people who hurt her were focused on trying to quell their own psychological pain and inadequacy far more than on following God.

Here is where I struggle. If I make my definition of God bigger than I can understand, then I really can't put a solid parameter around what it looks like to follow God (ie. salvation). If I start defining what salvation really looks like, then I am moving back to a "God in a box" mentality

I think adding the part about surrendering, losing control, and stepping out in faith are critical elements. I also think that it is key to assess the fruit of any decision. Was there peace, joy, and love involved, or anxiety, fear, and abuse? I don't believe that the latter three (anxiety, fear, and abuse) come from God.

Ambiguous thinking about what constitutes following God doesn't protect those who could be hurt by people who practice self centered decision making masquerading as following God. People will still get hurt, especially the more vulnerable among us. But on the other hand, my friend was not spared hurt from the ones who claimed to care for her, even with a narrowly spelled out definition of following God.

Blessings

As I described in a previous blog To Hell..I will, Hell was one topic that held me hostage to the beliefs of my youth. Another one was the fear of loss. I was told many times that if I didn't behave in a way that "God" deemed appropriate, I would lose all that I had that I enjoyed. I was told that God would pull His "blessings" from me. As I got older questions about who's expectations I was meeting by my behavior started bubbling to my conscious awareness.

Being a person who enjoyed my stuff, my relationships, and my health, this was a very potent threat. I didn't want to lose it all, so I complied...well maybe it was more that I LOOKED like I was complying.

As I have shed many of my earlier beliefs and attempted to see God in a way that makes more sense to me, I have come to see that the thinking that says "if you don't comply, I will take it all away" does not match my experience of God. I have stopped saying that I have been blessed with anything I think I possess. Ironically sometimes it is the very things I possess that rob me of God's blessings! It may be those very things that I am fearful to lose that keeps me from following God more completely.

Now, when I talk about my life and the things I enjoy, I say "I am fortunate". Blessings to me are irrelevant to stuff we have. We make choices and there are consequences. Because of choices we can lose or gain relationships, health, and stuff. And sometimes there is truth in the bumper sticker that boldly proclaims "Shit happens."

Blessings to me are God demonstrating His love for me regardless of my circumstances. Blessings are expressions from God that He approves of me. Blessings are the hugs of God.

What are we saying

I drive past this sign every day I go to work. Today it read "God is as good as His Word."

At the time I saw the sign I was listening to a message by Rob Bell from Mars Hill Church in Grand Rapids, MI. He talked about participating in a mission trip that was designed to bring food and resources to the poor. There were some on the trip that wanted to know when they were going to able to tell others about Jesus. His response was "it isn't that we are not telling others about Jesus at this time. We are! The thing we need to think about is "what are we telling others about Jesus?"

I guess in that instant the statement changed to a question. "Is God as good as my word?"

Lapel flag pin

I was watching a news channel and 10 minutes was given to speculating about why Barak Obama no longer wears his lapel flag pin. They were trying to understand the signal he was sending to the populace.

The press seems to think that we as a nation are more interested in getting out cues from images rather than intellectual ideology. A more cynical person may believe that the press is attempting to dumb us down. And okay maybe it's me as I am actually responding to this story.

Hey press guys, since you are checking to see who has pins and who doesn't, let's be sure to know where they come from. Some of the ones I looked at were manufactured in China. THAT wouldn't be patriotic, not to mention the lead that may be in the paint. That would be dangerous to all the babies they are trying to kiss.

Clutching

I remember as a child being told a story about how to catch a monkey. You tie an empty coconut to a post or tree and cut a hole in a coconut shell big enough to get a monkey hand through. You then fill it with monkey treats. When the monkey attempts to get the treats out it sticks its hand in and clutches the treats. You can then capture the monkey because the monkey, once it has a hold of the treat, never will let go of it.

I was reading "Grace (eventually)" by Anne Lamott. She talked about holding on to things and having her hands full so she can't hold anything else. What a powerful picture. If I am all filled up with things that I think will fulfill me, then I have no hands left to recieve what God has to give me.

I find myself clutching things that I think will satisfy. Ultimately I know they don't. I don't know if I get caught like a monkey in a coconut shell hanging on to my junk, but I do know that if I don't have any free hands for God's wonderful gifts, if my hands are too full of my own stuff, there is no way to calculate the good things I am giving up.

Below the surface

I fixed my computer last night. I have a 12" mac powerbook that has had a problem with a fan coming on and the CPU running pretty hot. I asked a number of different people, even those at the Genius Bar if there was anything I could do about it. I was told a number of times that they just run hot, so I just accepted it.

What I discovered was a program that was running below the radar that was using up a lot of resources. And with the fan running, my battery life was pathetic, about 45 minutes if the fan didn't kick into high. In removing the program my computer instantly responded and has been running very cool. I got about two and a half hours out of the battery last night.

I was driving in rush hour traffic while listening to a podcast from Mars Hill. I was a little behind in my listening and they were in Lent season. The speaker was talking about facing different parts of your life. It was a meditative session and the speaking was quiet.

I on the other hand was frustrated by being cut off in a lane, a slow driver, an inconsiderate woman who wouldn't let me pass. Below the surface of my life is a reservoir of rage that can be covered up by socially polite speech, and the appearance of calm.

For many years I dealt with intense anger towards some significant people in my life. I would claim to work through it and "be healed". I wasn't. It wasn't until I entered into the anger and the rage and faced the monsters of bitterness, resentment, and rage, that I was truly able to move on. And in the process of facing it, it forever altered me.

My computer was a great metaphor for my life. Areas of my life continue to lay seemingly dormant, and by not dealing with them, it continues to hamper my performance.

Argument

When the argument gets tough, the ignorant get abusive.