Declaring my apostasy

I was surprised in the wake of Rev. Haggard’s downfall, by my lack of identification with the situation. In the past I would have believed he discredited christians everywhere. Now it felt as distant to me as any politician's demise. While I was sad for him and his family, I no longer believe that people like the reverend represent a true follower of Christ. But that is for God and him to decide.

Am I committing apostasy in admitting this? Pondering the word, I realized it would define where I am. "A·pos·ta·sy": Abandonment of one's religious faith, a political party, one's principles, or a cause

Don’t misunderstand me. I am not abandoning or renouncing God. He is the source of everything and renouncing God would be more insane than renouncing gravity.

What I am renouncing is a religion that maintains the belief that God can be contained and defined. I renounce the belief that these Christian leaders can identify what God is doing in the world. I renounce my belief that there is only one way to come to God as a follower of Christ. I renounce dogma that attempts to leash a Being that transcends limits. I renounce the belief that political power can usher in the kingdom of God. I renounce a belief that doctrine pushes aside love in favor of harsh rhetoric declaring boundaries of black and white, announcing who is in and who is out. I renounce the belief that when we are enjoying what would be defined by society as success, that we are experiencing God's blessings.

Put quite simply, I am giving up attempting to define. I am learning to not be frightened by, but embrace the mystery. I am learning to embrace the journey, to act on what God reveals in my life, and walk further away from judging what God is doing in our world, or who he is using to do it.

Martin Luther nailed 95 theses on the Chapel Church door in Wittenberg, Germany. I don't think I've listed that many or been as scholarly in my pursuit of what I believe. But I do believe that Martin Luther would have been called an apostate too for declaring what he believed and did not believe. I think he would make for good company.

Seeing God

One thing that has resulted from having a vastly bigger view of God is that I no longer feel comfortable to talk about where I see God working except within my own life.

What I find difficult is identifying God working in the larger world. I don’t know what I am looking at. If God is the one who formed the universe, and I am realistic in my understanding of my place within the universe, then it is the height of arrogance to believe that I can identify for certain what God is doing.

For example I may look at something that appears hopeless. I may say that God isn’t there. God may in the middle of a project and His presence is poised to break through. In another case, it may look like things are going well and people talk about being “blessed”. I may be tempted to think that God is in their midst. But it may appearance only, these people fearful of admitting what they are struggling with. This would have nothing to do with God, but their own self protection kicking in.

I think of the story of the pious follower and the dishonest cheat praying in the temple, as recorded in Matthew 18. Jesus pointed out that the cheat’s prayers were getting through. If we had witnessed the scene we might have been tempted to put our money on pious guy.

I’m just grateful God is working in me. Wow! Isn’t that an arrogant statement, proclaiming that God is interested in my wildly insignificant life. And yet, that is something that the Bible states that we can say for certain.

Navigating Black Friday

This morning we got up early. Real early! We were hoping to get the deals advertised at Target. It opened up at 6 AM. We left the house a little late. We missed the mass of people rushing the door when they opened.

In the parking lot all were speed-walking for the doors. There was a fear that we might miss what we came for.

People were everywhere. My heart beat harder as I searched for the advertised deals. Others were looking for the same things.

I got to the shelf. The item was gone! Oh wait, they have more in the stock room. How could I position myself to insure that I get mine, before the others?

Then the realization hit. What am I doing? How am I caught up in this madness? Slow down. What will happen if I miss the item? ... I miss it. Plainly and simply, I can live without it.

I realize that it is so easy to get caught up in the madness of getting. It takes work to let go.

Cute cuddly coward

Today I dropped a plastic bottle on the carpet. Our canine gave it a wide berth, keeping a wary eye on it. A week ago, on a trip outside, she stopped in her tracks and started barking at a yellow caution tape wrapped around several stakes. She would not get too close too soon.

She sounds squeaky fierce when she catches sight of another dog. I have taken her out to play with some of the dogs. Bold while approaching the other dog, if Coco believes she can’t get away from the dog, she lays on the ground looking like she will get violently ill.

I was unprepared when we brought Coco home, what effect she would have on me. I am very protective of her, and don’t push her as far as she should be pushed. It is always a pleasure when she crawls into your lap to nap. So much can be overlooked when we love.

Coco is a reminder to me that at times I talk tough, and yet I can find myself paralyzed by the fear of moving into unknown territory. I am grateful for God and my family, who even though they see weaknesses in me, still enjoy my presence.

Defining offense

In church a speaker talked about his experience working as a Christian in a Moslem population. I was looking forward to a greater cultural understanding. What I got was offending; language, at least to me and those I was with. As I reflected on his offending remarks, I sat through his multiple uses of the word “retard”, his use of the word “fag” in the telling of a story, as well as his casual statement “if you’re not offended yet, stick around”. Where I got up and left is when he verbally reproached a person who was leaving, having a chilling effect on others in the congregation who may have been contemplating leaving. It struck me odd that a church who focuses on the grace and love of Jesus, would tolerate the incident of public shaming.

Last night I attended a high school production of “Les Miserables”. In the lyrics the high schoolers had to deliver were swear words, and crude references to sex. I did not walk out. In fact I was moved by the play and the power of the production. The offending material was simply overlooked.

What I am offended by provides a way to understand what is important to me. It defines me. it allows me to define the lines that savages my values when they are crossed.

Our lines are as unique as our fingerprints. We all have different toleration points. We may join groups that all have similar toleration points on certain issues, abortion and torture come to mind.

The next time I am offended by someone it will be helpful for me to realize that this person is giving me a gift. When I find myself offended, I am more clearly defining who I am, and with that knowledge I can decide whether this is a value I want to hold on to, or let go of.

How do I assess the two incidents listed above? I’m not concerned about high schoolers singing ribald songs. If they are unaware of those topics, then they are harmfully isolated from the culture we live in. The writers of “Les Miz” wanted to establish the characters singing those lines as repulsive, and it works. As far as the speaker, where I voted with my feet was when shame was projected on another. While the other words may have conveyed hurt and shame, they were not directed to anyone in particular. Singling out a person to shame and intimidation I see as wrong and unjust. Standing up to that wrong is a strong value for me and one worth fighting for. That is a very core value for me.

I owe gratitude to the speaker for helping me see more of who I am and what I am willing to take action against.

That plucky prostate!

Last Sunday in church, my prostate spoke to me. It wasn’t audible, but I heard it loud and clear. I located a restroom quickly to relieve myself. When I entered the restroom, older men took up all the stalls. They were all staring strait ahead like worshippers at the Wailing Wall, praying for relief. Behind them were other older men waiting for their chance to step up to the wall. I realized that no one was going anywhere for a while. The older you get the slower you go. Literally! I realized that when the going gets tough... the tough desperately seek restrooms.

Age has brought some interesting changes. This is one. I experience an urgent need, I rush, and I must admit, the older I’ve gotten, the meaning of the word “dribbling” has changed for me from a physical activity to a physical condition.

To be honest, I would like this condition to go away. I have consulted with my doctor who performed a delightful prostate check. It was so intimate, I wondered if we should smoke cigarettes after it was over. He stated that everything appeared fine, that this is a condition that will come and go, and I just have to get used to it.

Get used to it?

Acceptance is the work of getting older. The term “aging gracefully” means accepting the changes that come with getting older.

The harsh truth is that our bodies don’t function at peak levels forever. My kids said to me that they would never put on the weight that I have gained. We’ll see when their metabolism slows.

The opposite of acceptance is denial. I struggle accepting reality. I want to deny death and I want to deny decline.

So these prostate changes are one of many alarm bells to rouse me from complacency. My goal is to accept, accommodate, and persist.

There’s no sense in encouraging the restroom gang to speed things up. They’re going as fast as they can. However, standing in line attempting to reason with a bladder I realize that all of us in this little room are part of a club that the young just can’t comprehend. The reality is that someday, if they live long enough, they will.

Hypocrites abound

Mike Jones the ex-escort that outed Ted Haggard is now quoted as saying that he only wanted to expose a hypocrite not destroy a family. PLEEAASSEE! How stupid do you think we are, Mike?

You didn’t appear to care at all about the family or you wouldn’t have blasted it across the airwaves and made it a national story. You would have used discretion.

Can we out you, Mike? You are a hypocrite too. You were looking at 15 minutes of fame, a change in the tide of the election, and/or photo ops. In the end, you had the goods and you spilled it for advantage.

If you are part of the gay community then you have to be aware of the pain of people being outed against their will and how it can devastate their families. Granted, as acceptance takes place over time, those family relationships have the possibility of being repaired.

In the end this family may not be destroyed and by the grace of God it won’t. You started the ball rolling. But don’t get more self righteous than the most strident evangelical and claim that you care.

You and the reverend are similar. You both have acted hypocritically. At least now, he is being honest, while you are acting like a hooker with a heart. Treat them like you did your johns. “It’s just a job, I didn’t feel anything.”

Get real!

Rejoice Rev. Ted, your redemption draws near

I’ve seen it before. You live long enough, you see it more than once. Someone gets caught participating in the very behavior that he or she is trying to eradicate from the planet.

One more time the mighty have fallen. In disgrace and humiliation Rev. Ted Haggart has stepped down from a position of political power to one of long lasting ignominy. The face he wore while he was being interviewed in the car and admitted to purchasing meth and getting a massage from a gay prostitute will join the pictures of Jimmy Swaggart crying and saying “I have sinned” and Tami Faye Bakker with her masquera looking like melting wax.

It was reported that he “had the president’s ear” and there are pictures of him shaking hands with the President. He appears to have been connected as president of the National Association of Evangelicals to the political structure of this country.

All the his work attempting to advance the kingdom of Christ, and a gay escort, Mike Jones, may have been the doorman to usher him through the gates.

Christ was very clear that His kingdom was the complete opposite of the political system. I have heard many a preacher preach it, but I see few, if any, live it. Power is such a temptation. The belief in raw naked power is intoxicating. It was, in fact, one of Satan’s temptations for Christ while He was in the desert.

Ted, now that you lost everything, you are rich. Now that you are in mourning, you will be comforted. God blesses those who see their need for him. Now that you are humbled and humiliated, God can raise you up.

I realize your political capital is bankrupt. Everything political is falling away. Those who are still in power will continue to distance themselves from you. You are poison to what they are promoting. After all they still believe the idea that political power can usher in Utopia, and what has happened to you does not help their cause.

With this outing, you can experience the freedom that you no longer have to hide such a painful secret. It also means that you are free from the beliefs that God’s kingdom is advanced through our country’s political system.

All that is Christ’s love, is marshaling around you to draw near to your broken heart. His love is massive and embracing. You may be closer to the kingdom than you have ever been.

So Ted, from one fool to another, welcome, brother, to the kingdom. Be prepared. The love that is here will overwhelm you. It is wonderful to be in this kingdom where we can be our truest selves, and we are loved, valued and cherished, acknowledging who we really are, flawed, imperfect creatures and...human.

Shaken Bottle Syndrome

I was opening up a bottle of my favorite drink and I noticed something surprising. The bottle cap had the words “shake me” printed into the design.

“Shake me.“

What am I supposed to think about that? Why didn’t it say “shake before drinking”? The other directions don’t indicate personage.

Advertising appears to have gotten out of control. In this world where we all struggle with being connected, is this a way for us to find connection with the products we use? Why refer to my drink that I will consume and dispose of when not needed, as a person?

I know it probably sounds like I have too much time on my hand.


The other day I bought a cup of coffee. They put the cream and sugar in it and handed it to me while securing the lid. Molded into the lid in spanish and english was the sentence “Caution I’m hot”. I know this sounds paranoid, but there is a face on the lid and coffee dispenses from the opening that looks like a mouth.

You may think I’m silly, but I think I’m on to something. Much of our advertising is created, both in the products market as well as the political market, as something that will complete us and fulfill us. That sounds like a relationship to me.

Maybe I can start this blog site with “Hey there. You look like such a thinker. You’d give me such pleasure if you would read me. I know the writer of this blog would be thrilled as well.”