The attack

Yesterday I attacked me. Inside, an accusing voice took inventory of my life. It gave witness to what a loser I am. It examined how much I don’t matter and what I haven’t done with my life, resulting in me questioning the actual value of my existence. Indictments rained on me with “shock and awe”. I felt small and insignificant. I hadn’t made anything of myself. I hadn’t moved up the corporate ladder. I haven’t completed anything significant. What good is my life?

I don’t know if I’ve emerged yet. There were affirming moments yesterday. It doesn’t feel like they quite liberated me, but the hits aren’t reverberating as hard.

Considering the origins of the attack, I realized there was an event I felt prompted to attend on Tuesday night. I went with the implicit belief that if I was there, I may receive some enlightenment as to future direction for my life. I didn’t receive anything close to my expectation. I left the event feeling unsatisfied and let down. But what did I expect? I went to the meeting with unsubstantiated beliefs.

I was disappointed and I believe that triggered the attack the next day. When expectations were unmet, my mind stopped looking at my future and focused on parts of my past. Feeling trapped in my job and confused about what direction I move next, accusing voices in my mind cold-cocked me. As I reeled from the blow, accusations rained down on me like boxing gloves.

Sometimes getting perspective is hard work. Standing up to those voices feels daunting and intimidating. It is hard to call those voices liars when the world around affirms and supports them. It is hard to not call yourself a failure when your direction has little to do with ambition and a lot to do with vocation. It is hard to move away from what society affirms.

But it is my sincere belief that these voices are not telling me truth. I have no idea the impact I have had on this world (both positive and negative). Attempting to diminish the impact of my life regardless of my status in society is nothing short of wicked.

Voices, it is my turn to talk. SHUT THE HELL UP!