Powerful learning

A behavior that I enjoyed doing when I walked in our neighborhood was to pull the fiberglass rod that marks fire hydrants, and then let it go. For some strange reason I like to watch the rod rock back and forth until it stops. I don't know why it brings me pleasure, it just does.

Walking on a beautiful day, I grabbed the rod with my bare hand, pulled it and let it go. As I watched it rock back and forth I started to become aware of fiberglass splinters on the inside of my hand. Throughout the walk I continued to attempt to de-splinter my palm, with very little success. It took about a week for the sensation to subside. I still have memory of the pain of those microscopic fibers embedded in my skin. 

Now, when I see those fiberglass rods sticking up out of the hydrant...I walk on by. I have learned.

Winter wonderland

This morning, the 26th of April, IT SNOWED AGAIN. I know we are paying for the years of mild, relatively snow free winters...BUT ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!

We were singing in the car today as we were driving to an engagement, "walking in a winter wonderland." Snow covered ground has been described as a world of wonder. Only now the statements are "I WONDER when this freaking snow is going to end!" "I WONDER if we will even have a spring this year!" "I WONDER if my sanity is still intact!"

Yea, right now I am OVERFLOWING with WONDER!

It's inviting!

I was listening to a speaker talk about the difference between the words invitation and opportunity. 

When we invite we are attempting to share the experience, if the other person is willing. If we are looking for opportunity it is for our benefit.

I'm not sure how to apply it, but I found that as I have reflected on the words, I want to be a person who seeks  and promotes invitation, not opportunity when it comes to my personal relationships.

Contentment with godliness

Thanks to Michael Spencer for his thoughts. Internet Monk Radio Podcast #85 he addressed the idea of contentment. 

I had talked in  my blog "Midlife transitions" about learning to live on less and desiring less "stuff. The verse I quoted was "a devout life does bring wealth, but its the rich simplicity of being yourself before God." 

I have always read that verse to mean my "stuff", to learn how not to want more "stuff". What I had not considered is that it can also refer to my relationship with God; where I am with God.

Contentment in my relationship with God is knowing I am approved of by God, and not "having" to be anything else or do anything else to win God's love and resting in that knowledge. Like any relationship there is a desire for closeness and intimacy. And that encourages me to move closer to love, in desire, not concerned about what others think. I can enjoy the dance step with God and feel the love and approval that he showers on me.

Contentment is not complacency. It is not quitting. There are things I need in my life. I need food. I might not need as much food as I eat. I need a place to live. A car is helpful to get me where I need to be.

I think back to the guilt I felt for not for not being what I was told God wanted me to be, or doing what my spiritual leaders demanded I do to achieve a "holy" life. Thoughts that I haven't been doing enough or being "godly" enough have hounded me for years. Stepping out of line in a congregation usually has people in the church pointing out my failures as well as the road back to congregational acceptance.

Contentment is lost when I think I need more external or superficial things to win favor from others, or from God. I desire him because I love him and I want more of him, not because I behave in a way that makes me look "more spiritual" to others. I can rest in his love, and learn to love him more. It is focused on my relationship with God, and not focused on those around me.

I love God because he first loved me. I am as loved as I will ever be from him, and in that I work hard to be content.

Movie tears

On monday we watched the movie "Nell" in Sociology class. Yesterday we watched the movie "Awakenings". In both those movies, I find myself tearing up. I feel the reservoir brimming on my eyelid. Then a new wave of emotion hits and gentle tears parade down my cheeks and nestle in my beard.

What moves me is the human spirit in it's most noble form. Courage, love, grief, loss, sacrifice. These themes grip me. 

One scene that moves me EVERY time I see "Awakenings" is when Leonard is regressing back to his catatonic state, he has tics that shudder through his body. He tells Paula, a woman he is in love with that he can't see her again. They are removing the drug which allows him to remain "conscious". He starts to walk away. Paula stands up, puts his one hand on her hip, and the other hand she holds as she slowly and deliberately starts dancing with him. As she performs this act of love for Leonard, he starts shaking less. I am so moved by that scene that I always have to wipe tears from my face. Click here to link to the video.   I yearn for the touch, the human contact that heals me. Many times that touch is infused with sorrow and loss. So I become teary-eyed, thinking about the loss in my own life.

Life is hard. I am moved by the compassion we show each other, whether it is on the screen or in real life.

It's all backwards

Today I was listening to a podcast from MPR's "Speaking of Faith". In this podcast Krista Tippett went to a L'Arche community in Iowa. L'Arche communities are places where people with mental disabilities can live in community with staff that help them. It was started by a man by the name of Jean Vanier. If you want to know more about the community or find the podcast click here. 

I was in tears as I listened to voices of people who loved in ordinary ways, but loved with the purity of a child, that many of us would find hard to do.

In the book "The world lit only by fire", the author stated that Magellan's father was great man, but not a great father. I have read that many times in the lives of other famous people. It made me wonder what it was about society that rewarded a person for things that would hurt those closest to them. 

Listening to the podcast the philosophy of L'Arche was backwards to the way we have been socialized. The hierarchy was that the "disabled" were the core residents and that the "abled" were their assistants. Vanier talked at length about what the residents could teach us, that he had learned so much from them. He stated that being human wasn't how much you knew, but how much you loved.

I am slowly starting to understand in the most basic ways what Jesus was saying. It is as if I haven't seen it until now, and even then only through a glass darkly. Jesus' life was a testament to the ideology that everything is backwards. What we think gets us ahead, most often puts us behind. And we only realize that if we are willing to stop and listen to the gentlest among us.

And then the lights went out

After a concert last night my boys and I were searching for anyplace that sold coffee. In our explorations, my front tire fell for a pothole, knocking the air out of it. After the loud bang, the car started moving more sluggishly and pulling to the right.

I parked under a light in a parking lot so we would be able to see the damage. Upon exiting the car we all confirmed that the tire was flat, so we set about attempting to put on the donut, the little tire that gets you to a service station. For the second time since I owned the car, the spare that I was given didn't fit the wheel specifications.

Fortunately we have a road service and within a short time a truck was galloping to our rescue. We were in a parking lot between two restaurants, one of them being Chucky Cheese. The Cheese was closed and there appeared to be clean-up going on in the store. Pretty soon all the lights were extinguished in the store, and a minute after that, all the lights in the parking lot were shut off, plunging us into darkness. 

There was a worry from my end that our rescue would be jeapordized. We sat in the dark.  Hopes faltered that we would not be seen. But like the cavalry, the tow truck barreled to our location, our hazard lights pointing the way.  The dark had swallowed us up, but had not triumphed.

I did get coffee, from the Denny's across the street. Not the way I planned but all in all, it was an adventure.

Looking for peace and harmony

As a requirement for my job I need to take classes from an e-learning program. At the end of the segment I print out a certificate of completion and have it placed in my employee file to prove I am in compliance. 

The course I chose was "The path to peace and harmony".  I started the course. I had a lot of other things to do that afternoon so I had allotted 45 minutes. It took me 1 hour and 30 minutes to complete. With people interrupting, it took closer to two hours. 

I could have just done the tests, but the creators of the test added a few words that they used their own highly specified definition so I couldn't get those right. The more accurate title they should have used for the e-learning was working effectively in groups. There was no yogi, there was no meditation. There was no search for inner oneness.

When I was done with the segment, I was angry. Everyone around me was laughing, claiming that the program didn't work, that I was the opposite of peaceful and harmonious.

Insight moments here. Maybe I get angry when I feel our time is controlled by others, and I don't feel I got value from the experience. Maybe I become angry when the meanings of the words are changed to keep me stuck. Maybe I just don't like the control of others, especially when I don't see value in it..

Does it mean the path to peace and harmony exists for me, when everything is going my way? I think that may be a correct assumption when you see me drive in traffic.

Midlife transition

I turned 53 several months ago. I have been in transition over the last few year. I used to call it midlife crisis. I don't think that describes it at all. I would refer to it now as transition. 

As I have reached this point in my life I am looking back and evaluating what I think has worked in my life and where I need change. Its much like a course correction.

The biggest thing for me to see is my own selfish needs at work. I have no trouble finding things I need or want. Some of them even cost a lot of money. 

A student who I haven't seen in about a year, entered the classroom last week and remarked when he saw my Apple 12" Powerbook, "I expected you to have the 'Mac Book Air' by now!" I have seen it and I want it. I responded back "I am learning to be content with what I have." 

This sounds like a noble statement, but I struggle with that very issue. Only a week ago I was attempting to see if I could get an iPhone. I probably would have purchased it if the one I wanted hadn't been $500. My need for more in insatiable.

I am in transition. There is a war going on inside of me that has been much fiercer in the past two or three years. I look at all I have as a resident of this country. I am wealthy beyond belief. And yet I "need" more.

The transition I am in is working to tame that beast inside of me. It isn't giving up without a fight, and even when it looks dead, its eyes will snap open at moments I least expect. And I don't fight it as hard as I need to, to defeat it. One could say I pull my punches.

Paul the apostle said it very well.  A devout life does bring wealth, but its the rich simplicity of being yourself before God. Since we entered the world penniless and will leave it penniless, if we have bread on the table and shoes on our feet, that's enough. I Tim. 6:6-8.

Way to do something!

Thursday was the last meeting of my sociology class. They surprised me by presenting me with a $50.00 gift certificate to buya.org, a web site that you can shop for specific needs around the world.  They ended class by looking at what they could do, and doing something. Just imagine what we could do if we continued to see what was needed and made a commitment to do something. My class did something.

I was shopping tonight, trying to decide if I get a goat, chickens, medical care, meals, and many other possible purchases. I ended up giving the $50.00 gift certificate to feed 200 children in Haiti.

It was tough. I think the hardest part for me is wondering what needs, out of all the needs, I should send the money to. In the end I just had to pick one.

A big thank you to my class. You all made my day! And because of you there will be some children who's day you made, as well.

Share the bear!

I was at Caribou coffee today with my daughter. We brought our computers. I was doing schoolwork and blogging, She was writing a confirmation paper. We placed our stuff on a table, just as two people got up from sitting at the fireplace. We "quacked", I'm sorry, I mean we claimed front row cushy leather seats facing the fire.

In between the chairs was a bear shaped footstool. My daughter was the first to cool her heels on the bear. There was no room for my "lil piggies". There was plenty of room for the two sets of shoes to find a resting place. It was so much better when we shared. 

I'm not sure we can measure if one person shared more than the other. If we look at shoe sizes my daughter probably was the more giving.

Living by faith

I was listening to a podcast while driving. I decided I needed some tunes to rev me up. I switched to shuffling through the rock genre selection.  It took a minute for "Brilliant Disguise" to rev up and blast through the speakers of my Malibu. It was soul-food.

I looked at my iPod with inquisitiveness. How had it done that so quickly? My emotions had been saved by my finger on my iPod. And other than knowing simple iPod maneuvers, I had had no idea how the machine had pulled it off.

My iPod isn't the only thing that I don't know how it works. There are many things in life that I don't know how if works. I don't know HTML so thank God I can go to a web site and type, which I know how to do, and the web page does the complicated work for me. How? I have no clue. I could go on. In each area there are people who know how things work, but I don't know and it looks very mysterious.

My faith works like that as well. I have gone from "knowing" what it means to be a Christian, to not being sure. As God has gotten "bigger", or rather, as my self has shrunk to a more realistic assessment, there is more and more that I don't understand. So...I live by faith. I work on practicing what I do know, and figure out the nuts and bolts as needed. And if I don't know everything, that is okay by me. I don't know that I have to, and more accurately, I am able to.

Point and say "Bluetooth"

In my lecture today we were covering psychological disorders, and specifically schizophrenia. When I talked about people talking to themselves and responding to stimuli that isn't there, one of my students brought up that it sounded a lot like customers at his store with bluetooth headsets. 

He stated that he saw many people in his store walking around who appear to be talking to themselves. And when they would get into arguments by themselves, it looked even worse. People yell into the air. When others looked at them with puzzled expressions, they simply point to their ear and say "bluetooth".

I got to thinking, what if we gave every delusional schizophrenic a bluetooth looking device. It wouldn't need to be operational, just pulse light in metered intervals. I wonder if schizophrenics would be viewed  and treated with greater understanding, and if they were treated with greater understanding, would they still behave so bizarrely? 

I suspect not, but it was intriguing to think about.

Boiling water

I was wondering what the temperature was for boiling water. I did what I normally do when I don't know an answer, I consult the internet.

I found this web page and am still unsure if it isn't a joke. But in an information age, I sure got information!

How to boil water! Check it out!

Pictures from the Haiti trip

Click here for the link to see the pictures that we took from Haiti.

Connecting at baggage claim

Sitting at the Miami airport on my way to Haiti, I was waiting to join up with the others in my party. I staked out a couple seats in baggage claim.

Two women were sitting next to me discussing past hurts that they had inflicted on each other. Their voices were elevated as they hurled insults at each other. From what I could tell it was a mother daughter duo. I thought it would end within ten or so minutes. 

It didn't. It was still going strong when I left my seat an hour later. The others in my party were incredulous at the intensity and ferocity that they were verbally attacking each other.

It reminded me that no matter where I think I got hurt in my life, I need to deal with it and let it go. What may have been hurtful for the two of them were inconsequential to the larger public. As an observer of their conversation it looked like the hurts had long ceased to be divisive and appeared to be a tool that they used to stay connected.

Unprepared

It's 6 degrees below zero! What is this woman thinking? She is walking across the street in a jean jacket, hunched over from the wind that cuts like a knife. She is a distance from businesses that could could shelter her. Instead she curls into herself while she waits for the light to change.

My kids over the years have attempted to go out into the larger world, less than prepared, believing that they were in no danger. 

I know we can't prepare for everything that life will throw our way, but this woman reminds me that I want to make sure I'm prepared for the things I AM aware of.

Faith like a child

At the mall the other day I saw a baby go by me in an infant seat. What struck me was that the seat was being held by two girls about 8 or 9 years old. They each had a hand on the handle and were walking on either side of the infant seat. As they passed me, the infant was sound asleep, completely unconcerned about the transportation arrangement. The infant's mother looked far more concerned.

Jesus said that unless we have faith like a child we can't enter into the kingdom of heaven. Here was faith of a child, asleep, completely unconcerned about its safety. 

As I have gotten older I focus more on security, wanting to know that I am safe. And yet, Jesus is telling us to rest in my environment and be more like that infant. I want to believe that I am in control of much of my life, but that is not the case. Just this month I have had several students face life-threatening illnesses that they never saw coming.

I guess I need to lay back in the cradle, and let go of the worry of the conditions of the ride.

Cantfinditis

It was my birthday last week. I got this birthday card from some friends. They identified a condition called "cantfinditis", that affects teenagers and husbands. As I have aged, I have gotten a more severe form of this condition known as "cantfrigginfinditis". 

The good news is that since I have lived with this condition most of my life, possibly due to undiagnosed ADHD,  I'm well positioned to overcome this debilitating condition as age assaults me.

Now if you would excuse me. I need to stop blogging at this time and look for my car keys.

Blood donor reject

I went to give blood today. I entered a bus that had been reconfigured into a blood drawing lab and station. I was shown to a tiny room with a desk where I was interviewed by a woman on the bus.

They drew blood from my finger, then while I was dabbing at the blood, proceeded to ask me questions about my sex life. The one that made me chuckle was if I have had sex with anyone in exchange for money, drugs or other favors, maybe because they didn't add "from anyone other than whom you are married to". I think the question perfectly targeted the whole notion of risky sex, at least from a viral standpoint...but I digress.

They got to the part about whether I had been out of the country. With Haiti a mere two weeks behind me, I answered yes. The interviewer typed it into the computer. The computer rejected me, and as a true coward, left the woman to actually tell me. The computer identified that I was not in the one safe place in all of Haiti, which is probably where the cruise ships dock.

While it didn't stop the interview, when it was over the woman told me to come back in a year.

I walked to the front of the bus, my head hung low...

Well, at least until I got off the bus and was able to stand up straight again.