Hiding the damage

For a few weeks now I have passed this trash can with the door broken on the receptacle lid as I go in the door for work. It has made it easy to throw away banana peels because I haven't had to push the door in, just drop it through the crack. In the last week I noticed I assumed it had been repaired. I walked up to it today from an angle I don't normally go. There the door was, still broken as it always had been.

I guess there are two ways to look at it. One is a form of recycling. Turn the top over and use the other side. Or hide the broken side and maybe you won't have to replace it so soon because it still looks presentable.

Years ago when I worked at an auction company the appraisers bid a house and bid it high because of the amount of collectable tea cups present in the house. An agreement was struck. When we went in to set the estate up for auction, to the auctioneer's horror, every last teacup had a crack in it. All of them were worthless.  There was nothing left to do but throw them out. I don't believe the relatives of the estate were attempting to be malicious and deceptive. I think they thought they were going to get a lot of money as well from the collectables.

Turning the broken sides away from people's viewpoints, increases the perception of value. But it doesn't change the fact that it is still broken and diminished in value. 

That sounds like the human condition. We shield our broken places from others. People see the functional side of us and we try not to show the damage. We assume that the observers ascribe higher value to us with our damage turned away from their point of view. It is a fertile ground for shame to grow.

Grey: I see your anatomy

I have followed "Greys Anatomy" for a few seasons and have enjoyed the show. I have connected with the concepts that they present on weekly episodes. What hit me a couple weeks ago is the casualness with which sex is portrayed on the show. I have watched it enough to know that that is a normal aspect of the show. Where I had my moment of insight was when two doctors were exploring their lesbian desires. One of the doctors felt they didn't do oral sex right and sought out a male doctor to give her lessons. The casualness of the request was jarring. Through fresh eyes I started realizing how much sex is portrayed in the show.

I thought of where I work. There certainly is sexual stuff that happens, but not even close to the level of what is portrayed on Grey. It isn't a portrayal of anything like real life.

I realize that sex is one of the vehicles that powerfully portrays our human condition. Once we start removing sacredness from sex, it loses much of the powerful force that it is and moves us closer to being animals. There have been movies that showed that aspect to make a point about the baser human proclivities, but I don't think that is the point of the show. 

I believe that sex is sacred and when I trivialize it, I do so at my own peril. I believe that I start losing some of my humanity.  What does it say about me when I watch it be trivialized as entertainment?

The need that are hard to see

In an earlier blog I mentioned a former student had donated a guitar to our church specifically for me to take down to Mexico. I gave the guitar to the Mikruts, the missionary family we donated the van to. I told them to find a pastor in need and give it to that person. Aaron, my former student, did an amazing job of resurrection. The guitar had a pretty amazing sound and action for what the guitar had been subjected to by its previous owner.

I got a note back not more than a week later. They told me that they had given it to Julio. Julio has a passion for the ministry and an amazing humility. Both Jim and Barb Mikrut have known Julio for a number of years and had no idea that he was borrowing the guitar he was using in his church. In giving him the guitar, not only does he get a guitar that will receive a lot of use, it is also connected to fond memories of our time together. 

It is continual reminder that we don't do life alone, and not all needs are immediately visible. 

In the picture is Julio on the left, and Jim Mikrut on the right.

A note to follow "SO"

Today my boss came addressed me with kind words and a smile on her face. I should have been pleased. Then came the word I was expecting and dreading... "So" and she was off  pitching an idea that she had that she thought I should do. 

You can't have teenagers who complete tasks you have asked them in the past that they have done now without prompting. When that has happened the first question that comes to my mind is "so" what do you want?

I get nervous when I hear the word "so" because I can almost smell the butter.

Baby talk

It had been relatively quiet in the church service. There was an infant ahead of us sitting quietly on his mother's lap. Near the end of the service the infant started cooing. It wasn't distracting, but it was deliberate. Within a matter of minutes the service was alive with the sound of cooing all across the congregation. 

Perhaps there was a secret language that was being employed. Perhaps it was just each infant remembering that they had that skill and were reveling in it.

Ghosts of the morning

Out on my walk this morning, it was frosty. I was bundled up warm walking on the path along the river. Up ahead of me a bird lighted on the bitumen. It was a darker black than the leaves around it. A second later, the shape in the forest behind the bird moved. I stared at it, seeing something and then nothing. As I walked closer the shape of a deer started to become defined. And then another one. 

Within a second and in utter quiet the two deers danced away, the whites of their tails indicating the movements. And they were gone, like they had never been there. All that was left was in me. A sense of wonder at the grace and poise with which these animals exhibited.

Who is responsible?

Gradually it was disclosed to me that the line separating good and evil passes not through states, nor between classes, nor between political parties either, but right through every human heart, and through all human hearts. This line shifts. Inside us, it oscillates with the years. Even within hearts overwhlemed by evil, one small bridgehead of good is retained; and even in the best of all hearts, there remains a small corner of evil.

Since then I have come to understand the truth of all the religions of the world: they struggle with the evil inside a human being (inside every human being). It is impossible to expel evil from the world in its entirety, but it is possible to constrict it within each person. (Alexander Solzhenitsyn) "The Gulag Archipelago"

In reading "The Post-American World, Fareed Zakaria talked about the financial impact of the 9/11 terrorist attack. As Zakaria chronicled the financial impact of subsequent terrorist attacks, he demonstrated how the economic impact grew less and less with each attack.

There is evil in the world and we should be very concerned about terrorism, but what has shaken the world economies is not terrorism. What has shaken the world markets is pure and unadulterated greed. 

Maybe we didn't make the bad loans or play the market on a pseudo-insurance scheme. In the little decisions we make we help add to the greed. I am so guilty there. There is a lot of finger pointing about who is responsible for the mess, but if we are honest we would have to say that we all are.

Hawk

On the way to church I saw a sight of wonder. On the freeway a hawk floated down close to my windshield. It sailed above my car roof and almost floated into another car behind me. It grabbed something in the median and flapped away.

I have never seen hawk as road kill. I don't know if it saw the cars and navigated expertly between the obstacles, or that it almost met its maker in a moment of distraction. Regardless of what it was, it was a moment of wonder.

Oh my thighs!

Walking this morning in 25 degree weather, my legs got cold. After I got out of the shower, my skin burned a little, and the front of my thighs were red. I started wondering why it is only my thighs. My shins were exposed to the same, but they weren't as red. I'm sure there is a medical explanation, but I choose to continue to live in the mystery.

Burn thighs burn.

Driving like teens

I had a moment this morning waiting to get out of the high school parking lot. Even though cars were backed up waiting to get into the parking lot, the high school age drivers cut off the cars trying to exit. 

Down the road an elderly man was attempting to cross the street. I stopped and waited. A truck going the other way, driven by a high schooler barreled past the man. The boy was staring straight ahead and didn't even see the man.  The elderly man wisely waited for the truck to pass and limped quickly across the street.

It got me thinking. I understand that part of the high school experience is to be completely consumed with one's self. That was reflected in almost every driver I waited for as I tried to get out of the parking lot. Every youthful driver entering the parking lot was focused on themselves and their own needs and it seemed apparent that they weren't thinking of anything that didn't directly impact their forward movement.

Maybe my frustration with drivers out on the road is that the ones that anger me are the ones who think of themselves only. I have heard it said that age is only in your mind. 

No where is that more true than on the roadways. There are a lot of people who look a lot older than teenagers that are driving like there is no one on the road more important than them. In a word, they are driving like teenagers.

Texas is REALLY BIG!

Lest I think that the US is a small place, it took us all day to drive through Texas on our way down to Mexico! All day! 600 miles out of 1600 miles that stretched from Minnesota to Mexico! It went on all day! In order to give me some perspective others assured me that we didn't go through the biggest part. 

AAHHH

Or 9?

Driving through Texas there were a number of billboards advertizing christian themes. "Repent and recieve Jesus as your personal savior OR regret it forever!". 

Further down the road there was another sign, "Receive Jesus OR regret it forever. There was a lot of "or regret it forever" signs on the roadside.

The next day driving through Texas we spied with our little eye, a hand painted sign in white block letters advertizing a christian website. One of the people in the van said she didn't get it. She asked why it said "repentchristian or 9" she asked.

 I must confess that the "g" looked a lot like a "9".

repentchristian.org

Freedom on All Saints Day

It was All Saints Day on Sunday. As is the custom at our church those who had experienced loss took a candle up to the front of the church representing the light of that life. I walked a candle up in memory of my friend Nancy. I found myself tearing up as I remembered her life and the family she left behind. There was something magical holding the candle. It called the memories forth. Someone in the procession could hardly hold her candle for the sobbing. There was power in these memories. 

I want to intellectualize my memory. I stop the emotions from reaching the surface when I remember. I know I need to keep emotions in check so I can continue to function in my life. It was good however,  that for a moment those emotions could be loosed in this ceremony to once more remember the loss and grieve.