Tears in the isle

One of our sons got married this weekend. As the beautiful bride walked down the isle to her new husband-to-be waiting for her, you could see her wiping away tears. Looking at the groom, he was teary as well. Others in the wedding party were red eyed and wiping tears away.  My wife was wiping tears away and so was I. 

I have blogged a number of times about tears. The act of tearing up is so powerful, and if the audience has empathy, tears are a virulent virus that spreads from one to another. And it is very hard to stop tears. I remember sitting at a hospital as a mother and daughter were crying and holding each other, while the father sat looking at the ceiling, breathing deep so he wouldn't succumb to the weeping.

Tears make us stop and take stock of the moment. Tears are signs of significance. They magnify meaning. They are holy.

It's not the days, it's the moments

Last Thursday my wife and I woke up with busy days spreading before us. We were unaware that my wife's 83 year old mom had been in Emergency during the night and on her way out to her car, had not seen a curb and tumbled, fracturing bones and hitting her head. It was the moment, the phone call that changed everything. It changed what was to happen that day, the days to come, the prospect of rehabilitation centers and nursing homes. 

It isn't days that change our lives. It's a misstep off a curb in the early hours of the morning that changed the direction of lives. We can fool ourselves into believing that we are masters of our fates and controllers of our destinies, but we are a step away from being exposed as a fraud.

OCD...really?

I have CDO. It's like OCD but with the letters in alphabetical order, like they're supposed to be.

A renewable energy source

Hope is a renewable energy source. Every morning when I wake up, I am given another opportunity to change, realize, love, ________ (fill in the blank).

It may be renewable, but it is up to me to decide if it is sustainable. I can wake up and start living the dream, or (more likely) I pass it on to the next day. When I stumble, when I become discouraged, I tell myself that it will be better tomorrow, and in doing so I use hope to mitigate my defeat, to let myself off the hook. 

In my life, hope may be renewable, but there comes a time when my mornings run out, and I am unable to defer my deficits.

Cheating the piper

I was talking to someone the other day who was frustrated that he wasn't able to reach his goals because of some choices that he had made. I stated that we all had to settle up our accounts in life, that we didn't get anything for free. The person agreed with me.

As I thought more about it I wondered about all of those who looked like they had gotten away with it, that they had cheated the piper. It appeared that they could make it all the way to death without having to settle accounts for the wrongs in their life.

If one believes in an afterlife, which I do, then I think scores are settled there for sure. The frustration would be that it is to late to make amends. That is what Marley's ghost was telling Scrooge in Dicken's "A Christmas Carol". Turn before it is too late. For Marley it was too late.

As I thought through the concept, I realized that the lucky ones are the ones who are able to wake up and realize the impact of their decisions while they still have the time to do things different. 

I worked with a kids many years ago who was excited that he had passed a drug test, even though he had used that week. I told him that I felt sorry for him. I saw confusion in his drug-hazed eyes. He had gotten away with it. He had cheated the odds. He was the winner! What was wrong with me.

We never ever get away with "it". I feel fortunate when I am able to see the impact of my poorer choices. It may not feel very good at the time, but it gives me the chance to make other choices and to seek redemption.

When you can't edit

I experienced one of the dangers of making comments on the internet. Once you click "accept" you give up your right to edit.

I visited a friend's caringbridge site. In my comment on the guest-book I included the word "here" instead of "hear". I clicked the "accept" button without seeing the error, and waived my right to retraction in perpetuity.

It bugged me for a minute, but I had to let it go. I couldn't change it. I had to accept that for me, being viewed as a fool was conditional. There are things I am willing to be thought a fool for.  It doesn't include my spelling ability.

Compassionate eating

This arrived in my inbox today. I stared at it in wonder as I contemplated its meaning. Okay, if I get this straight, I can devour to help another child not go hungry. Is it just me or is there a disconnect somewhere here?

One of the joys of capitalism is that businesses send out incentives to drive traffic their direction. I am not faulting Famous Dave's. They are a great restaurant, and they aren't the only one to use their products to benefit others. I have a problem with the concept of providing gifts for those who give.  Giving should be its own gift. This ad however seems to march up to the edge and JUMP over. Is this the corporate equivalent to the injunction from our parents to "Clean your plate! Don't you know there are starving children in Africa?"

"Hey waitress, could you bring another rack of ribs? Damn Buddy, have some mo'. Eat up!  We're stuffin' ourselves to feed them hungry kids so they don't have to be hungry no mo'!"

Forever mine?

On Sunday we sang the song "Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone. It takes the original song of Amazing Grace and tags on an additional part. It ends with the "but God who called me here below, will be forever mine...will be forever mine...you are forever mine.

In our culture, I don't know if I agree with the phrasing of that song. Can God be "mine?" Can I own Him? I wonder in this culture that needs to possess things, if it would have been better to say that "I will forever be His. He owns me if I let him. I don't think it works the other way around. I don't bring out MY God and show Him to the world. I look at where God is moving and ask to join him.

Sharin' the seed

I have a rekindled love. Pistachio nuts. I have found a variety at a local grocer that sells the nuts with 50% less sodium. I love them.

Today when I was cracking one open, my tongue traced the seed and found a divot in it. The other side of the shell was a little fuzzy. I pulled it away from my mouth and discovered a worm tucked nicely in the shell. It looked deceased. It also appears that it had filled it's belly on the green sweet meat of the nut before it expired.

I threw the offending nut away and pondered whether I would eat any more. I decided that it didn't put me off. I took out another nut shelled it and ate it. I've eaten worse.

Years ago a company that produced dried seed products was shut down because cockroach parts were found in the commodity. One of the people I talked to about it said "the product was good. Who cares if there were cockroach parts in it. We never got sick, did we?"

Signs of Fall

"Fall is in the air. You can smell it." "Look, the leaves are changing!" These are signs of Fall and most look to those indicators to herald the emergence of Fall

For me there is a much more dependable sign. I know Fall has arrived when I see my first smashed pumpkin lying on the road in pieces. I don' t know what it is about this time of year, but there must be a powerful force that activates in the heart of some to pelt a pumpkin. I mean, you don't see summer veggies carelessly flung. I don't see watermelon, apples, peas, green beans, or other produce lying in tatters on the roadway.

Today I know it's Fall because I have seen and I believe!

The 30 pound predicament

In the last six months I have lost thirty pound. I feel better, clothes fit better and my knees don't scream quite as loud when I walk up stairs. I could lose more, but I feel good about the loss I have achieved. 

I lost pounds about ten years ago. I was warned that I have Impaired Glucose Tolerance and was moving towards diabetes. That scared me enough to get me moving and I lost 30 pounds. 

I remember the day ten years ago when responding to some deep emotional pain I said "%&*S@, I don't care. I started eating carelessly and desperately. In a short amount of time I was back to where I had started, and then some. And it has stayed that way for the last ten years.

In my growing awareness of the needs of the world and looking at my own voracious consumer response, I am working to cut back on my consumption. My body is a testament for my own consumption response. Want equalled need.

At 30 pounds I have stalled again. I think it is a combination of several things. One is that it may be an indication that I have reached the outside edge of my self concept at this time. My brain is saying "this far and no further."

The other possibility is that I am spiritually obese. I have been receiving a lot of input from people I look to as mentors. I have things I want to follow, but lethargically I let the days slip by without action. Spiritually I am taking in, but I have not been exercising, spiritually speaking. 

I don't feel I am in the same place I was ten years ago. There has been healing and while I find myself meeting more of my wants than I would like, there is more control, and less insatiable need. I am in the process of assessing where I am, where I've stalled, and how to get going again.