An uncomfortable observation

I was taking my daughter up to a volleyball tournament. She had friends in the back seat with her. 

My car has a moonroof skylight that has shades that cover them when the sun is too hot. One of the girls started playing with it. My daughter said, "Don't play with that. If it snaps open my dad will get angry."

Later in the trip one of the girls didn't cap her drink. My daughter once again said "Put the cap on, if it spills, my dad will get mad."

As I listened, I became uncomfortable seeing myself through my daughter's eyes. I felt sad that she saw me as a person who uses anger to get his way.

I really don't like to think of myself that way, but my daughter's perception is her perception. That is how she sees me. I need to accept it and if I don't like it, find a way to change it.

Our luxury

My wife and I go to bagels on Sunday morning. It has become a ritual for us. Normally I get an omlet and cheese bagel. As I have increased my calorie consciousness I have started checking out the different calorie counts at places I frequent. 

I discovered that the bagel sandwich I normally ordered had close to 500 calories which takes a chunk out a 1500 calorie day. I thought about what I wanted to do about it. Do I just eat it and take the hit? Do I not eat anything there?

I decided to eat half of the bagel and throw the other half away. When I did throw it away, it felt so excessively American. I felt bad. I have the freedom of choice as to what I will do with excess food. Better for my diet. It doesn't help the starving. 

The trouble with food choices is that our portion sizes are SO out of whack! We want the best value for our meal, which translates into bigger portions. We aren't too concerned about calories. We feel ripped off if we get smaller portions. 

What is hard to consider is that some in the world are just hoping to be able to afford enough food to survive another day.

Throwing out the half a bagel or eating it wouldn't have changed the plight of the starving. But the tragedy is that the food I threw out could have fed a starving child, and that is haunting me! And sometimes it's good to be haunted if it leads to greater awareness and change.

Political Fast

In the past year the candidates have been vying for position  become the next president. I have stated in the past that I think that it is the best reality show out there. I find politics fascinating, every word parsed, every accusation thrown like malignant seed.

I am coming to a new reality. I believe I am focused on minutia that has no relevance to my life as I am living it right now. As a result of this thinking, I made a commitment to put myself on a fast, a political fast. I am committed to getting my news from sources I read, and not from the talking heads.

Since I started this fast about two weeks ago, my perspectives have shifted into more realistic ways. I still feel I get the main issues of the campaign, I just don't get them over, and over again. When I get to the end of the day I feel I've been more productive and I don't feel I wasted time. I have to say that I am better off, as well, without the calories that came with snacking in front of the TV.

What I believe is that whether I am consuming every word of the chatter out there, there will be a president voted in, after all is said and done...well, mainly said.

Over 50!

I passed a milestone today. With my Malibu, 14 gallon tank, I filled it up for $54.01! The cost has been wavering near $50.00, but it has been a couple of dollars shy. Today it happened!

What I'm thinking is... What are my options?

What I leave behind

As I move further into new perspectives, I can look back and see casualties from my faulty thinking. It hasn't just impacted me. I look at people who adopted some of my ideas and taken them further. 

I can change my thinking, but my actions have repercussions not only me, but others as well. While I may change, they may be caught in the thinking I am leaving behind and may be unwilling to change.

As a parent there have been times where I have been furious with the behavior of a child of mine, only to realize that they have been imitating me. It can be sobering for me to have to realize that the things that may be frustrating me from people in my life, may have been influenced by me.

Plowing time again

It is Spring...finally! Where we live farmers are breaking up the soil to receive the seed. As I have walked my path I have seen the soil. It looks angry and bruised. 

Change and new life involve turmoil. It is not an easy process. It is not a painless process. At times it is uncomfortable. But unless the soil is broken up, there is no new life.

Seeing with new eyes

This last week I have had an increasing sense of clarity in my thinking about my life, my spirituality, and the life around me. What is amazing to me is that while parts of the landscape looks pretty familiar, it has taken on a different appearance, as if there was a change in lighting, a change in vantage point. And the question that comes with this new thinking is, where have I been? Why am I seeing this now? It has been here all along, and yet it is like I am seeing this for the first time! There are ah ha moments, spikes of understanding, and the almost grasping, but just out of reach.

I guess I have been on a journey that didn't pull back the cover on this part of the walk of faith. I was busy learning how to be less selfish as a parent and giving to others. Not perfect, but growing. Now that many of the kids are gone, the activity is less and has given me more opportunity to think about where I have been and where I am going.

For years I have had a hazy idea of what I didn't think was working in my life. There were times I attended church simply because my children needed an example, even though in my heart, I didn't know if I could call myself a "christian" any more. I didn't want to rock their world until I could define the direction I was taking.

I no longer label myself a "christian". I want to be a follower of Jesus and I am working to realize that more in my life each day. It is a slow process, and I falter, but I am okay with not having all the details filled in yet. The mist has momentarily lifted and I see the next segment of the path. Through the fog, I can see new landmarks, new peaks to head towards.

I am becoming increasingly comfortable with the process of growth. It isn't that I am not uncomfortable in the growth process. I am.  It is hard to grow sometimes. It just doesn't scare me the way it used to.

Living with less

I was watching a program on the new technologies that are more eco-friendly. As an advocate was talking about the new technologies, he talked about an elderly person reducing to save energy costs. The advocate said "why should this person have to consume less. We have the technology to use less energy and still give the elderly person the same amount of comfort.

That is a big problem in our country. This is a big problem with me. I am addicted to consuming! One connection I have made is that my consumption has contributed to my excessive weight. I know that seems too much of a no-brainer to be an insight.  I am working on eating less and learning to be a little slower at satisfying my cravings.

One act that I did that haunts me was when I was in Haiti. I saw poverty all around me, however as I ate my three square meals, I ate a lot. I made sure I felt full. There was poverty and there was my stomach, and my stomach was the clear winner.

Children in our country were told to clean their plates with the injunction "Don't you know there are starving children in Africa?" I guess the message was, you had better be grateful, others are living with far less, and that could be you! The message was being grateful for what we had. The message was not about slaking the suffering of others. 

However, gratitude is meaningless without action. Maybe the message around our dinner tables should be Let's consume less and send more to others. 

The standard joke for me has been "clean your plate. Don't you know there are starving children in Africa?" Maybe that should change for me to "don't cook so much, there are starving children in Africa! Make sure you find ways to share with them."

Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh!

I thank Greg Boyd for the metaphor.

I am warm and safe. I floats lazily around my protective cocoon. I have grown from a single cell to where I am today. Life has been somewhat predictable, and comfortable. I have adjusted.

Suddenly there is pressure! This safe world is starting to feel strangling. There are rhythms that are unfamiliar. There is a whooshing sound. The walls around me contract and I am forced into an uncomfortable position. Whoosh! I start to travel towards a small tunnel, that looks like it couldn't contain the size of my body. Whoosh! OH MY GOD! The pressure is increasing. My anxiety grows. Whoosh! Tighter, tighter, tighter! I can't breathe, I can't move! I feel like my body will implode. I wait for the end. This is death! My life is over. My life was far too short. The end is near! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! WHOOSH! I AM DYING! DOESN'T ANYONE CARE!!!???

Release, blinding lights, prodding, prying, hands cupping. "Congratulations, it's a boy!

Tell me again, why am I so afraid of death?...WHOOSH!