25 years of wonder

Today it has been 25 years since I said "I do" to my beautiful bride. It seems like it always has been, and it seems like it just happened yesterday.

It has been an honor to stand next to her and I owe so much to her. She has taught me how to become less selfish and more giving. I'm not to her level yet, but it is something I aspire to.

The years have not been easy, but I can say that she started out as my best friend, and has become even a better friend. A lot of things have changed for us. We don't agree on everything, but we do respect each other. She is truly a gift to me and I just want to say how grateful I am to have her in my life.

She is an amazing person, and I have benefitted so much from her influence. I have truly felt loved and treasured.

Thank you my bride, and here is to the next 25!

Slipping off my tether

In talking with a long time friend, she slid in religious jargon that I hadn’t used in years, nor had I heard them said in the circles I move in. It came as somewhat of a jolt, a fleeting memory from years ago and a life I once lived. As I listened I realized she was in a world that I no longer lived in.

In February I went to an association convention that I used to be on the board of. I ran into many dear friends. But I realized that that was not my world any more.

It is strange to not belong to something I used to belong to. It is a strange feeling of being an outsider to something that I used to be an insider to. It’s like an adult holding a favorite childhood toy. There is a thrill of memory, but there is no use or desire for it now.

In moving away from a formulaic faith, salvation is much harder to define. It was much easier for proselytizing purposes to have a “salvation” by number kit, pray these eleven words “I confess my sin and accept Jesus as my personal savior”. If done correctly, salvation was promised.

As God has expanded for me, so have the variations of salvation. It is no easier to define how to have a relationship with God, than it is to describe all the aspects of a perfect marriage.

As she talked I looked at the landscape that I lived in a long time ago. What I don’t miss is the suffocating guilt that went with that world. Like a balloon, I have slipped my tether and am floating in a different direction. I’m not sure where it will land, but I am enjoying the journey. And I don't feel guilty about it.

Give the devil his due

A person failed my class because of not showing up for class. When this person attempted to get me to help her out, I stood my ground. This person attempted to tell me that she is dealing with a lot of unnamed stuff, and then muttered "maybe this is spiritual. Maybe it's the devil that doesn't want me to succeed."

When I countered with the idea that maybe the student is sabotaging themselves, the person turned to me and said "Oh that's right, you are a psychology person, you don't believe in the devil."

I thought about that statement. I do believe in the devil and his power. What I find interesting is that this isn't the first time the devil has been referenced by my poorly performing students. It appears that their body is the battleground between good and evil. And the devil wins when they don't get out of bed in the morning and get to class.

It is almost as if this student and others are afraid to exert their own power, that somehow it may be sinful to succeed. This student does not want to answer the question about what THEY can do about it, they want to blame someone else.

So what am I to do about this attack of Satan in the student's life? Lay my hand on their head and exorcise the demons? Will their performance go up?

That is an age old question...how much is under my control? If the Devil is keeping a person in bed, then Christianity and Freud were closer than either of them believed. The difference is that some Christians call that destructive force the Devil, Freudians call it Id.

The power of pebbles

A number of things have needed my consideration. I am tired of dealing with it all. When one seems to settle down, another rises up requiring attention. It seems to be never ending. Many of the situations require interventions that could help or blow up and become much worse. The pronouncements are made on pins and needles.

The reality is that there is nothing here that shocks the system like a splash of cold water to the face or a fist to the jaw. It's more like pebbles thrown at you from all angles. It doesn't hurt, but it becomes more bothersome with each strike. And with each pebble, the weariness increases.

It takes a break from pebbles to restore perspective. Diminutive can destroy. I am no match for pebbles. If ignored or unendingly endured, the pebbles triumph.

A BIBLICAL perspective

I was driving to church today and a car came up behind me. I was doing about 5 miles over the speed limit and he was climbing in my trunk, he was so close. I maintained my speed and waited until I could move over. The green Chevrolet Lumina sped past me, obviously irritated that I had been going so slow. The occupants were in dress clothes and the driver glared at me as he passed. The others seemed preoccupied.

On the car’s rear bumper was a sticker that read “tune to 100.8 AM for a BIBLICAL perspective”.

Does the BIBLICAL perspective include "intimidate to get ahead", "go ahead and violate the speed limit" and "me first"?

The message of one's life is so much more rich than the bumper stickers we put on our stuff. The other part is that there is what we believe and then there is what we live. As I have gotten older I have realized that they can be pretty far apart.

Lost in wonder

This morning I poured myself a cup of coffee and stepped out on the deck for few moments of solitude. Looking at the sky while moving through the doorway I caught my breath. There above me was a rainbow that moved in a high arch between two points on the ground. It formed an exhilarating half circle. My camera couldn't catch the fulll scope of that blazing arch.

What surprised me the most is the wonder that accompanied that sight. It made me turn aside from my life to consider a magnificent spectacle. And for a brief moment, I was caught in the moment, and time stood still.

When I take the time to study something of the natural world, I am in wonder of all the ways in which the world displays its diversity and intricacy. Most of the time awe escapes our busy notice. It is only large sparkling moments that grasp our attention.

My coffee is forgotten for a brief moment and I sit, fixed in wonder.

Message from a fox

Pulling into the parking lot at work I noticed a small furry animal scratching itself. It didn't look like a dog and it was too big to be a cat. It was in fact a fox. It was so unexpected and surreal to see this animal in the middle of a metro location. And yet, there it was. I drove closer to it and snapped its picture. It didn't even acknowledge my presence.

When I mentioned what I had seen to one of my students she said that it approached them as they were heading to their car. They hustled to the car and told about how afraid they felt, not knowing what the animal was.

The fox is just one reminder that the world is not quite as tame as we want to believe it to be. Sometimes there are wild animals; sometimes there are rogue genes, viruses and cancer cells. At other times there are wild winds and torrential downpour, violence in other parts of the world or the city, the quiet endurance of a person in an abusive relationship.

The message from the fox was to be able to acknowledge the understanding that there are forces around us that are much larger than we are aware of, that "wild" can occur in the most unexpected places.

A ghost of counseling past

Dropping my daughter off at a church event, a tall slender young male stared at me. He came over to me and asked if my name was Jim. I said it was. He then said that he thought I knew his parents. He told me their name and I did. I looked harder at him. I worked with his family when he was a 14-year-old boy after he had been brutally assaulted at school.

He told me that he was now 17 and will be a senior at his high school. He had a bright infectious smile that drew you in. He looked so well put together and I'm sure he is doing better. It was rewarding for me to see a small part of the outcome of some of the work I did with families.

I realize that under that bright exterior there is a caldron of pain that bubbles in the depths. It is easy as a young man to hide what lies beneath. His appearance was radiant and it would be easy to believe that everything is all right. He looked like a spitting image of his dad and I am aware of the pain that lies there.

I’m sure when his dad married his mom, all was hopeful and bright. His dad probably looked a lot like his son, clever and full of potential. What wasn’t seen was his bi-polar illness that cost him his family. Most don’t enter into a relationship looking scary and damaged. But it does find its way to the surface and we can be surprised at whom we said, “I do” to.

Enough of the dark side! I was excited to touch a part of my past, to know I made a difference even if it was small. I was also taken with the understanding that no matter what happens at any given time, life goes on, for better or for worse, and there is little we can do to stop it.

Free at last, free at last, thank gawd I'm free at last!

Paris is free!

It seems that she served 3 days of a 45 day sentence. There's an effective punishment. Maybe the guards were sick of her and wanted her gone. My proposal was too late!

Damn!

A win-win-win opportunity for the taking

A student of mine suggested this and I thought it just might work.

There appear to be hosts of the faithful that are concerned about the incarcerated Paris Hilton (well at least the Myspace crowd.) With all the sorrow and angst involved in the Hilton’s lockup, there may be those willing to pay a lot to have the
opportunity to visually monitor her progress. And Paris knows overexposure. This could be a win-win-win for Paris, her adoring public AND the prison system she is a guest of.

I suggest a PARIS-CAM. A video camera could be directed at Paris’s cell. It would capture her movements 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. People could access the web cam through their Internet and the prison system could offer viewing for a fee.

Because she has lost her rights as a citizen while in the pokey there would be no royalties paid to her or her handlers. All profits could be funneled directly into the prison system, which judging by the media she receives could be substantial. And it could go to upgrading the facilities and hiring new staff. They may find that they have landed a windfall and have more money than they know what to do with.

This would also help with the concerns of Paris’ withdrawal from the national media scene, which could be extensive and painful for her.

Prison people, there is an opportunity for those of you who may dare to dream! I see a brand new celebrity wing planned, complete with multiple video cameras placed strategically around the cell to catch all those plucky personalities adjusting to their life in prison. There could even be reality shows spun off these web-cam opportunities. Maybe they could lobby the court systems in California and New York to have the state’s more notorious miscreants doing time at their facilities with web-cam accessibility.

Could we have Tom Cruise sentenced for something? As I think about it, I’m not sure people would be paying money to watch how he spends his day. Maybe in his case they can put a cam on the phone he uses to call Katie. Yes…people would spend money on that.

Okay wardens, get creative! If this works, maybe my taxes could go down. That would allow me a whole new appreciation for these celebrities other than the fun I have writing about them.

Addicted to energy

I am aware that we need to reduce our dependency on oil in our country, so we are not so tied to the Middle East and the oil they have. There is another dependency on energy that needs to be mentioned…Energy drinks!

In class one of my students placed a 23.5-ounce can of Jolt energy drink in the shape of a giant battery, on the desk. He said it was the only one that worked for him. He stated that this one was the only energy drink that gave him a buzz.

Energy drinks are the fastest growing sector of the $93 billion U.S. domestic beverage industry. Sales of energy drinks, which sell for between $2 and $3 a can, have grown 61% this year in the United States to become a $3 billion business according to Beverage Digest. They have racy names like Jolt, Full Throttle, Rockstar, and Adrenaline Rush.

I remember years ago realizing that caffeine was hurting my voice, I stopped drinking anything with caffeine in it. It took about a week, but I discovered my own natural energy. It didn’t diminish me. I was amazed at the energy I had inside me.

Our society has so many crutches. We believe that most of our problems have a remedy that can be dispensed by the local pharmacy or grocery store. We believe that external substances enhance our performance.

I wonder if in a small sense, our confidence in our own abilities is diminished?

Meet a representative of Satan

I realize that this is a longer blog than normal. I got this in my hotmail account this morning. While I have been assaulted for years with getting cheap Viagra, and growing the size of my penis, this one made me sit up and take notice.

Hello,

I am Mr. Liang-Chin Lee Director of Bank SinoPac Limited, Taiwan. I present this proposal to you in good faith hoping you will collaborate with me to finalize this deal.

Eng. Mr. Khalid Al-madi, an Iraqi oil magnate in 2001 made 3 years bonded fixed deposit with my bank, Upon maturity (2004), his fixed deposit was valued at $44,500,000.00 USD (Forty-four million five hundred thousand US Dollars), my office on sending several notice to invite him for claim, got no response but later found out that Eng. Mr. Khalid Al-madi and family had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home at Mukaradeeb where his oil well was. To this end, $44,500,000.00 USD lie in my bank as you digest this email with no one to ever claims it.

My bank has issued a notice to my office that if no next of kin come forward for claims, the funds will be confiscated within a short time. I now seek your consent to present you as the next of kin/beneficiary to the funds, so that the proceeds of this account valued at 44.5 million USD can be paid to you and then you and I can share the money 50% to me and 50% for you, which I believe is a fair share.

All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us see this deal through, should you be interested in executing this with me; indicate your interest by sending me the following:

1. YOUR NAME
2. YOUR RESIDENT ADDRESS
3. YOUR OCCUPATION
4. YOUR PHONE NUMBER
5. DATE OF BIRTH
6. RESIDENT COUNTRY

Note: the requested information above are necessary for documentation purpose, documents to show to my bank that you are the beneficiary to the funds.

Your response with the requested information should be sent to reach me at my personal email address below:

xxxxxxxxxxxx@xxxxx.xxx.xx

I shall then provide you with more details on this operation when I hear from you.

Sincerely,
Mr. Liang-Chin Lee

Who falls for this crap? I realize the e-mail cost next to nothing to send out, and I wonder what the net effect will be? How many heirs of Mr. Khalid Al-madi will present themselves?

It is not surprising that in the Bible, when Satan came to Eve and to Jesus, what he appealed to in his temptations were pride, vanity and greed. We are susceptible to these things. And like negative advertising that no one likes during elections, the reason that it is used is because there are very few things as effective as negative ads.

Mr. Liang-Chin Lee, if that is who you are, you appear to be a man who can get things done. If you want to be of service to the world, figure out how to use Mr. Khalid Al-madi's money to build up his country of Iraq. I'm sure we as a nation would be grateful.

Get thee behind me Satan!

We are not alone

I went to a restaurant and was seated at a booth. Behind me sat “Mr. Tigger”. You can see the top of his head in the picture. He was a shifty character. I felt the cushion on my side of the booth expand and deflate to his movement. He pushed back into his side of the cushion. My belly compressed into my side of the table. He sat forward. I sank back into the cushion on my side. He bounced on his side of the cushion, which created a corresponding bounce on my side. At times his bouncing was so pronounced that it was difficult to guide food into my mouth. A short time later "Mr. Tigger" left and I was able to consume my meal in peace.

We are not alone. Our movements impact other people, many times in ways we are completely unaware of. “Mr. Tigger” was completely unaware of the impact he had on my dining experience.

I remembered working as a therapist. I had clever words of wisdom that I imparted to the families I worked with. But what they usually hung on to, the “ah hah” moments that changed their lives were usually throwaway lines that I impulsively tossed their way in the flow of conversation.

Realizing that and accepting that did wonders for my staying humble. It also kept me vigilant, looking for the impact that I had on others that lurked around the edges of my awareness.

Living in hell

In a very short but powerful book by C.S. Lewis called "The Great Divorce" he describes a bus ride from hell to heaven. C.S. Lewis believed that the gates of hell are locked from the inside, that people are in hell by their own choosing.

The bus riders arrive at the outskirts of heaven and are met by its residents who attempt to convince those who dwell in hell of the wonder of heaven and their ability to access it. Each of the visitors explain why hell is better for them than heaven, each with their own faulty logic. They board the bus and make their way back to hell.

Over the years I have seen people choose hell. I have seen people choose to walk away from peace, contentment, honesty, and joy, only to continue to endure the misery of their own situation. It always fills me with sadness and a sense of powerlessness to effect change. And the way I get through it is to accept it as their choice.

And the sad reality is that until they have the courage to believe that they are worthy of being loved, nothing said to them will convince them otherwise.

Throwing stones

The rain fell, and fell, and fell. Our neighbors were hoping to get sod soon, and the water washed some of the dirt and stone onto the walking path and beyond.

I heard the voices of two children as they stopped to play in the newly formed mudslide. They both bent over and picked up rocks that were laying on the path, and deliberately threw them into the wetlands on the other side of the path.

What is the primal urge to throw stones? Very few of us are immune from throwing stones when we stand beside a body of water. Here two children were heaving stones into open space.

I read of a nun who turned a stone over everywhere she went, symbolizing that the world had been changed by her presence.

Throwing stones may be a pathetic plea to insure that we matter. If I throw this stone, I will have changed the world in a small way. If I throw stones, perhaps I am moving mountains one pebble at a time.

Messy passion

The congregation rose and formed a line for communion. The pastor talked about what was to take place. The chalice held grape juice, and a round loaf of bread sat on a matching plate. The faithful were instructed to break off a sizable chunk of bread so that they could "really taste the goodness of God."

I did. I broke off a portion, moved to the chalice and dunked it in the juice. As I brought it up to my lips, I cupped my hand to keep the juice from dripping on the carpet. I returned to my seat, and I proceeded to watch everyone do the same. All worked very hard to protect the carpet from stain. Participating in a holy sacrament, all of us refrained from being carried away by passion, by ensuring that the mess was kept to a minimum.

If we give ourselves over to passion it does become messy. If I consumed the host, unaware of my surrounding, and others do the same, the carpet may have to be replaced.

Hollywood does a great job of illustrating passion, but I'm not sure I've seen those same passionate lovers deciding in the next scene who was going to sleep on the wet spot in the bed.

King David stripped down and danced for joy in the streets at the return of the Ark of the Lord. In his passionate dancing, his wife grew contemptuous and disgusted. (See II Kings 6:14-23)

Passion is messy. If we are going to get passionate about anything, we are going to have to lose our fear of creating mess. True passion lets go of control and enters into the experience without thought of what may happen. And that is tough because control can clutch us like a drowning victim.

So I ask myself, what would it look like if I let go of control and entered into this experience with my whole self? How would it change for me?

Transition

A resident in our house moved out today. There was visible excitement as he packed up his car and cleaned out his room. Emotions were tangible. As his car filled, the room emptied. There was little left that indicated his presence. The removal of “Bob” the Griffin, was the indicator of completeness of his departure.

It was the right move. It was the “fullness of time”. But walking by the room and observing it's emptiness punctuates the impact of the decision.

In any transition, there is always expectancy. There is belief in hope and growth. And there is always loss. Grief and loss are most always the unacknowledged companion to transition.