"You cannot change the totalitarian mind through dialogue or conversation, because totalitarianism -- however ingenious the superstructure of faux ideas with which it surrounds itself -- is a creature of the will and not the mind." Taken from an article about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's visit to the US. http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/la-et-rutten29sep29,0,1222354.story?coll=la-headlines-calendar
I have some people in my life who practice more tyrannical attitudes in their thinking and/or behaving. In attempting to converse with them, I have made the mistake of believing that reason could triumph. Sadly the stark reality is quite the opposite. Any point I attempt to make to focus on truth is immediately rejected in favor of irrationality. While making statements designed to open up discussion, all it seems to do is pour fuel on a flame.
All that is left then is making sure that the tyrant's message is not legitimzed, protect myself, and leave the outcome in God's hand.
It is a good thing for tyrants when people don't think for themselves.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Saturday, September 29, 2007
The safety bond
I just finished watching "Little Miss Sunshine" for the second time. It had been a while since I had seen it and I had forgotten how weird the family was, but also why I had liked it so much. It was a moving tribute to the resilience of families.
In the movie, the family is driving Olive, the youngest daughter, to compete in the "Little Miss Sunshine" pagent several states away. There were so many obstacles in their path, both on the outside, and what each person in the family brought with them in the form of emotional baggage.
The thing that struck me so powerfully, and brought me to tears is how we as families limp along. Families are so imperfect. It is not the weirdness of family members that breaks a family down. It is the lack of one essential ingredient. Is the family, at its core, safe? And while everyone in the family is responsibile for the safety of others, parents are the ones who model it and teach it to their children and are ultimately responsible for it's initiation into the family.
As this family limped along struggling with their own strangeness and conflicts, one thing was never doubted about the family. They were concerned for the physical and emotional safety of each other. In one scene mom had just explained to Olive that her grandpa was dead. Mom started crying. Duane, Olive's older brother, who was refusing to speak to the family, writes Olive a note that said "Go hug mom." That moment is so ripe with all the different motives involved and who was being affected. The way of handling it was strange. The point was that someone in the family was hurting and it was addressed.
I have worked with many dysfunctional families as a family therapist. What I was looking for in the family was to make sure the family was safe. It didn't matter to me what the family looked like to the outside as long as it worked on the inside. And the only way it could work on the inside is if EVERY member in the family practiced physical and emotional safety.
As an instructor I work hard to maintain physical and emotional safety of all my students. I don't worry if everyone gets along or even likes each other. But I will confront ANYONE who threatens the physical or emotional safety of my students.
Over the years, I worked with many families that when I got done, I could honestly say I was glad I wasn't a member of some of the families that were safe and nurturing. It, however, was working for them, and the proof was demonstrated by how connected the family members were to each other.
In the movie, the family is driving Olive, the youngest daughter, to compete in the "Little Miss Sunshine" pagent several states away. There were so many obstacles in their path, both on the outside, and what each person in the family brought with them in the form of emotional baggage.
The thing that struck me so powerfully, and brought me to tears is how we as families limp along. Families are so imperfect. It is not the weirdness of family members that breaks a family down. It is the lack of one essential ingredient. Is the family, at its core, safe? And while everyone in the family is responsibile for the safety of others, parents are the ones who model it and teach it to their children and are ultimately responsible for it's initiation into the family.
As this family limped along struggling with their own strangeness and conflicts, one thing was never doubted about the family. They were concerned for the physical and emotional safety of each other. In one scene mom had just explained to Olive that her grandpa was dead. Mom started crying. Duane, Olive's older brother, who was refusing to speak to the family, writes Olive a note that said "Go hug mom." That moment is so ripe with all the different motives involved and who was being affected. The way of handling it was strange. The point was that someone in the family was hurting and it was addressed.
I have worked with many dysfunctional families as a family therapist. What I was looking for in the family was to make sure the family was safe. It didn't matter to me what the family looked like to the outside as long as it worked on the inside. And the only way it could work on the inside is if EVERY member in the family practiced physical and emotional safety.
As an instructor I work hard to maintain physical and emotional safety of all my students. I don't worry if everyone gets along or even likes each other. But I will confront ANYONE who threatens the physical or emotional safety of my students.
Over the years, I worked with many families that when I got done, I could honestly say I was glad I wasn't a member of some of the families that were safe and nurturing. It, however, was working for them, and the proof was demonstrated by how connected the family members were to each other.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Turning corners
I was reading a post from internetmonk. com. The blogger, Michael Spencer, talked about some things that were said about him on another blog and sounded weary. He said he wanted to take the blog in a different direction, that the focus of his blog was not accomplishing what he had set out to do. He described it as turning a corner.
When a significant and painful event happened to me at a church we were attending several years ago, something inside me snapped. I felt an unhinging, a disconnection from the church I was attending.
I think back to significant times in my life. Many of them rotated on a single event. An event that changed my perspective forever.
It seems to me that growth isn't steady and prolonged. I may have understood that something needed to change, but I didn't see a need to upset the apple cart, until the ONE event. The change energy stood frozen, waiting for a signal that movement was imperative.
When the event happens, the way the world looks shifts in a new direction. And once that perception has been changed, you can no longer go back, because the world as you knew it no longer makes sense.
When a significant and painful event happened to me at a church we were attending several years ago, something inside me snapped. I felt an unhinging, a disconnection from the church I was attending.
I think back to significant times in my life. Many of them rotated on a single event. An event that changed my perspective forever.
It seems to me that growth isn't steady and prolonged. I may have understood that something needed to change, but I didn't see a need to upset the apple cart, until the ONE event. The change energy stood frozen, waiting for a signal that movement was imperative.
When the event happens, the way the world looks shifts in a new direction. And once that perception has been changed, you can no longer go back, because the world as you knew it no longer makes sense.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Stars
A friend of mine was talking several weeks ago about all the stars that are out in this amazingly large universe. There are so many unanswered questions that it is hard to even know what to ask.
The more I considered this, the more incredulous I become in considering people with incredibly narrow views saying that they know what God is thinking.
It seems to me to be the height of arrogance.
A word changes with age
There are words that change meanings over time. For example, "gay" used to mean happy and carefree, in earlier times. Now we know the meaning to be a term to denote a homosexual lifestyle.
Here's another word that I propose to the english language. Flashing. At a younger age this means displaying a part of your naked self to someone else usually in a public setting.
A middle age friend of mine asked if the room was warm or was it her. It is a condition of her age. She said it must be her, flashing. I jerk my head up. She smiles and says "hot flashing".
Monday, September 24, 2007
The weight of care
We took our toy poodle with us on our mini-vacation. My wife was apprehensive of doing so, because of the increase in needs.
I have long thought that having a smaller dog would be easier to manage than a larger dog, and in some respects it is. If I need to Coco can be held in my arms, away from danger or temptation. But smaller dogs are prone to anxiety and stress. Leaving Coco in a car can stress her out a lot. As she is stressed, so am I.
I had to concede that my wife was correct. The trip worked out fine, but there was an increase in needs to contend with. There were our needs, Coco's needs, and the needs of those in the other rooms of the motel, when Coco gave in to her barking addiction. It ended up being a lot of extra work which detracted from the vacation. It still was a fun time, but there was a bit of additional worry that drained some of our energy.
And in the end, when Coco got home she appeared very happy. With Coco there was no reflection over the weekend. She simply was along for the ride. She was completely unaware of the energy drain. When we were in the car or she was walking on a leash she was happy. If we put her in the car by herself, she got stressed. She would go again in a heartbeat, just like she will bark at EVERY doorbell ringing.
When you care about someone or something, you increase the load of the responsibility. If the someone or something is less able to care for themselves, responsibility goes up for the ones in charge of meeting needs and safety.
If it gives something back, the load feels lighter. If there is little given back, it can weigh you down.
I have long thought that having a smaller dog would be easier to manage than a larger dog, and in some respects it is. If I need to Coco can be held in my arms, away from danger or temptation. But smaller dogs are prone to anxiety and stress. Leaving Coco in a car can stress her out a lot. As she is stressed, so am I.
I had to concede that my wife was correct. The trip worked out fine, but there was an increase in needs to contend with. There were our needs, Coco's needs, and the needs of those in the other rooms of the motel, when Coco gave in to her barking addiction. It ended up being a lot of extra work which detracted from the vacation. It still was a fun time, but there was a bit of additional worry that drained some of our energy.
And in the end, when Coco got home she appeared very happy. With Coco there was no reflection over the weekend. She simply was along for the ride. She was completely unaware of the energy drain. When we were in the car or she was walking on a leash she was happy. If we put her in the car by herself, she got stressed. She would go again in a heartbeat, just like she will bark at EVERY doorbell ringing.
When you care about someone or something, you increase the load of the responsibility. If the someone or something is less able to care for themselves, responsibility goes up for the ones in charge of meeting needs and safety.
If it gives something back, the load feels lighter. If there is little given back, it can weigh you down.
I lived through retro
This weekend my wife and I went on a quick vacation up north. We decided that we would work on saving money so I found a motel that was of the old roadside variety. I made sure that the rooms were clean and that they would allow a pet. The woman I spoke to was pleasant with a sly sense of humor. I booked the room.
When we got up there, it was exactly as the website had stated so there was no disappointment at this point. It wasn't the Ritz, but it never advertized that it was. We went to dinner and walked around town.
When we got back, the room next to us was occupied and you could hear conversations through the walls. Every time voices sounded from the next room, Coco, our toy poodle, would "pre-bark" an agitated chuffing sound. There was a German Shepherd barking several doors down, which was Coco's "call of the wild".
I wouldn't describe the double bed as comfortable. Electircal outlets were hard to find (there were none in the bathroom, and there was no air conditioner. To cool the room down you had to open the window which let more sound in, to agitate Coco even more.
I woke up early morning with conflicting desires to get out of bed and stay in it. It hurt laying there, but I felt too tired to get up.
I have looked back on earlier days and motel stays with fondness. Less so now after this weekend.
When we got up there, it was exactly as the website had stated so there was no disappointment at this point. It wasn't the Ritz, but it never advertized that it was. We went to dinner and walked around town.
When we got back, the room next to us was occupied and you could hear conversations through the walls. Every time voices sounded from the next room, Coco, our toy poodle, would "pre-bark" an agitated chuffing sound. There was a German Shepherd barking several doors down, which was Coco's "call of the wild".
I wouldn't describe the double bed as comfortable. Electircal outlets were hard to find (there were none in the bathroom, and there was no air conditioner. To cool the room down you had to open the window which let more sound in, to agitate Coco even more.
I woke up early morning with conflicting desires to get out of bed and stay in it. It hurt laying there, but I felt too tired to get up.
I have looked back on earlier days and motel stays with fondness. Less so now after this weekend.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Never, never, ever feed it power
In the movie "Gremlins" Billy receives an adorable furry creature called a Mogwai. He has to obey three rules as a Mogwai owner. 
1) Keep it away from bright light, 2) Don't get any water on it, and 3) Never, never ever feed it after midnight. He disobeys with disastrous consequences. The cute little pet becomes an out of control gremlin.
Jesus came to earth to "show us the Father". The legacy he left was to serve to the point of giving His own life. He didn't build any buildings, or create an institution. He didn't write anything down. He spoke in stories. He left all control to others, mainly the twelve disciples. He talked about loving enemies and doing good to those who hate you. And then he left.
So why does the church have a legacy of violence? The only violence that Jesus was reported to do was to take after those who exploited the poor.
I think it starts when a church organization is given power. It starts out looking so right, so noble. This church can make lives better if we just were able to control the environment in order to do the good we want to do. And soon it spirals down into needing more control.
Because a church isn't a business it doesn't have the "normal" leverages that a business has. A business looks at production and cost and then motivates its workforce to carry it out. What does a religious organization produce? It is completely intangible. The church can't point to profits and seeks to make tangibles out of intangibles. It is left to devise what it wants its members to do. Once identified, the goal is to motivate. Because profits and losses are not a part of the church, there have to be other means. Those means then become guilt, shame, and fear.This extends all the way from killing heretics in the name of God, to shoveling fear and shame at someone who believes differently.
If you have faith, never, never, ever feed it power.
1) Keep it away from bright light, 2) Don't get any water on it, and 3) Never, never ever feed it after midnight. He disobeys with disastrous consequences. The cute little pet becomes an out of control gremlin.Jesus came to earth to "show us the Father". The legacy he left was to serve to the point of giving His own life. He didn't build any buildings, or create an institution. He didn't write anything down. He spoke in stories. He left all control to others, mainly the twelve disciples. He talked about loving enemies and doing good to those who hate you. And then he left.
So why does the church have a legacy of violence? The only violence that Jesus was reported to do was to take after those who exploited the poor.
I think it starts when a church organization is given power. It starts out looking so right, so noble. This church can make lives better if we just were able to control the environment in order to do the good we want to do. And soon it spirals down into needing more control.
Because a church isn't a business it doesn't have the "normal" leverages that a business has. A business looks at production and cost and then motivates its workforce to carry it out. What does a religious organization produce? It is completely intangible. The church can't point to profits and seeks to make tangibles out of intangibles. It is left to devise what it wants its members to do. Once identified, the goal is to motivate. Because profits and losses are not a part of the church, there have to be other means. Those means then become guilt, shame, and fear.This extends all the way from killing heretics in the name of God, to shoveling fear and shame at someone who believes differently.
If you have faith, never, never, ever feed it power.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Faith in God
I am reading a book about several heresies that came up against the church and how they were squelched through violence and persecution.
Why couldn't the church just let the heretics roam? If the church has the truth, then why were they so afraid? This whole concept of faith in God starts losing air when control through guilt, fear, and shame enter the picture. It really starts to look like God is incapable to operate in our world on His own.
I know preachers who could preach for hours on having faith in God. But their NEED for control, invalidates all they claim to stand for.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Enlightened
"Is Jesus Lord of your life?"
What are they hoping to accomplish? Maybe they are expecting me to examine who runs my life. I'm wondering if they are really that clueless of the lack of relevance the sign has.
I asked a friend if a bulletin board with those words would motivate her to introspect more into her spiritual state. She talked about a church near her house with clever sayings on their billboard. While she finds amusement in the pithy statements, she has never once been motivated to go there because of the clever verbiage.
The times of the events and the bookstore hours make sense to me. The original use for the signage to announce when services are, who's speaking and about what are as legitimate as a McDonald's drive thru menu if you are a regular customer. SHouldn't you save those words for the assembled faithful and not using it as the latest advertising campaign?
I could say "I see the light!" but only at night!
I see London. I see France.
The headline today caught my attention for a moment of bewilderment. The headline I read was "Paris wants to stiffen sanctions on Iran".
What confused me was "Wow, how does Paris Hilton stiffen anything?" And then I instantly thought...No the city of Paris! Stupid me! The web site originated in France.
It makes me think that in our country we get a lot of drivel masquerading as important news.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Guardrails and frames
I was listening to a podcast the other day where the person was talking about apologetics, the ability to defend what you believe. 
I found myself very uncomfortable listening to it, my suspicion of any formula aproach to faith. However, without some definition to my faith it is like a body without a skeleton, a structureless blob.
Guardrails are the metaphor that come to mind as I think back on my faith journey. They held me in place and wouldn't let me deviate too far off the path. My view of God had to conform to the narrow parameters of the faith I grew up with. I kept
attempting to break them down, to be able to break free of them. They kept springing up, restricting my thought about who God was and my place in His universe.
I have found a new metaphor for defining my faith. A friend of mine thinks about spirituality as being a frame, something to put around concepts and give it some definition. I like that. There is structure, but there is freedom as well when my concept of God changes or God redefines Himself for me. A frame can be moved to better outline another part of the picture, if it needs to be.
In my finite mind I work best when there are limits that are not limiting.
I found myself very uncomfortable listening to it, my suspicion of any formula aproach to faith. However, without some definition to my faith it is like a body without a skeleton, a structureless blob. Guardrails are the metaphor that come to mind as I think back on my faith journey. They held me in place and wouldn't let me deviate too far off the path. My view of God had to conform to the narrow parameters of the faith I grew up with. I kept
attempting to break them down, to be able to break free of them. They kept springing up, restricting my thought about who God was and my place in His universe.I have found a new metaphor for defining my faith. A friend of mine thinks about spirituality as being a frame, something to put around concepts and give it some definition. I like that. There is structure, but there is freedom as well when my concept of God changes or God redefines Himself for me. A frame can be moved to better outline another part of the picture, if it needs to be.
In my finite mind I work best when there are limits that are not limiting.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Caring for the elderly
I spent some time with a friend of mine. We were commiserating how life had changed for us over the years. We talked about changes in our marriages, our energy levels and the limits we are starting to feel in regards to employment.
As we were talking my cell phone rang. It was my wife. She was at the grocery store and wanted to know which brand of fiber cereal I eat.
There was a day when I wasn't so concerned about fiber. Now I get anxious when the box gets low. My how times have changed!
Thursday, September 13, 2007
The little girl and the pastor
A little girl talked to the pastor in church on Sunday. She waited until the end of the children's sermon was over. She was unconcerned about the fact that she was holding up the next part of the service. The pastor didn't rush her. When she was done he kindly directed her to children's church.
At the little girl's age I found it endearing. I was amazed that the pastor didn't scoot her out of the way. As we get older we are encouraged not to act like that. We are very concerned about what others will think of us. Most of us don't act that way, but not because we don't want to.
If you want to enter the kingdom of heaven you have to have faith like these little ones. Oh to have faith like a child.
To Hell... I will
I saw a bumper sticker the other day. It said "Religion is for people who don't want to go to hell. Spirituality is for those who have been there".
In the last couple days I have come to a startling revelation. The concept of Hell has been a huge motivator for me. I have realized that the word "Hell" has guided me through my faith-walk. I was reared on the concept that if you don't do certain things then you would be thrown into hell. Not sent, but thrown. It was a significant enough fear that at an early age I continued to pray to ask Jesus to be my personal savior. Not because I wanted to know God more. Not at age 5. I prayed that "prayer of salvation" because I was terrified of being thown in hell. TERRIFIED! My parents were happy that I was "saved"
I can only imagine how many sermons I sat through as an infant and a small child and absorbed the "hell message". Some of what I have stored inside is at such a primal level that I cannot even access it. I remember very little about God's love, maybe because it didn't register on my "TERROR-METER and I was too busy being terrorized. As I got older I was terrified of walking away from the faith because I would be thrown in "hell". A dichotomy was set up inside of me. I wasn't sure I wanted the religion that was being modeled for me, but I couldn't walk away for fear of going to hell. And that fear controlled me.
I compare it to a movie where a secret word is implanted in an hypnotized man. Months or years later, the hypnosis forgotten, the telephone rings and the man lifts the receiver to his ear. The word is uttered, which snaps him back in the grips of that hypnotic state. Zombie-like he heads off to perform a heinous act.
That word that would put me in a near-zombie state was "Hell".
Part of my salvation has been letting go of that fear. I realize that God is love. Such love has no fear because perfect love expels all fear. If we are afraid it is for fear of judgment, and this shows that His love has not been perfected in us.
I'm kind of fuzzy at this time about what my final definition of hell will be and what purpose it serves, I'm not sure if people are sent there, or just choose to live there. I can see the points of each one. But I have experienced God's love and heading towards that love is so much more rewarding, honest, and satisfying than fleeing the flames of hell.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
The hardest addiction to overcome
I read this joke on parsonblue.blogspot.com. How many addicts does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one. The addict holds the lightbulb up to the socket and let's the universe revolve around him.
I live in a comfortable world where things are pretty predicable. I sometimes ask myself what makes me so special. I have what much of the world doesn't have. And honestly I don't want to give up the comforts that I have.
If you cling to your life you will lose it; but if you give it up for Me, you will find it. It is hard to sacrifice my resources, my time, my stuff. I am addicted to the life I live. There is a fine line between caring for myself and clinging to myself.
Pigs
Britney's "pudgy", Mary Kate is "gaunt". Jordin Sparks (latest American Idol winner) is "obese"!
OH MY GOD! Who can win? Britney may have had a disappointing performance at the MTV awards show, but was she "pudgy"? I know a lot of women wouldn't mind looking like her. I said "look like her" not think like her.
Such mixed messages. One message that comes down through our culture is that women and girls are to focus on their self esteem and learn to "feel good about who they are", learn to "love themselves". How hard a job is that when the mouthpieces of our culture prattle on about what a woman should NOT look like? Rarely, if at all do they identify the epitome of their standards. It is easier to be critical than it is to be complementary. They probably look in the mirror and hate themselves as well.
It makes me wonder who the real "pigs" are.
OH MY GOD! Who can win? Britney may have had a disappointing performance at the MTV awards show, but was she "pudgy"? I know a lot of women wouldn't mind looking like her. I said "look like her" not think like her.
Such mixed messages. One message that comes down through our culture is that women and girls are to focus on their self esteem and learn to "feel good about who they are", learn to "love themselves". How hard a job is that when the mouthpieces of our culture prattle on about what a woman should NOT look like? Rarely, if at all do they identify the epitome of their standards. It is easier to be critical than it is to be complementary. They probably look in the mirror and hate themselves as well.
It makes me wonder who the real "pigs" are.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Aced out by blue hair
I was breezing down the freeway. A white Malibu positioned itself on my bumper. A grey Mazda was to its right in the lane next to it. There was room for me to move over and set the Malibu free, which I did
What I noticed after I merged into the right lane was the Malibu flying past me and the Mazda with an aged woman driver had moved to my left. I wasn't too bothered by it at the beginning. However as we progressed she didn't move away from me. I pushed the accelerator pedal down and jumped 10 miles an hour faster than I going. Mazda grandma was still on my left.
I must confess that I see the highway as a chessboard, always looking to maximize my gains. I was amused with her that she sped up and slowed down to stay on my left. There was a car in my lane that was going slower than the flow of traffic. I punched the accelerator and attempted to get ahead of her and move around the slower car.
This crazy geriatric wench out-maneuvered me! She punched her accelerator pedal as well and trapped me in my lane.
At no time did she even look over at me. I would have given her my best "Grumpy Gus" look. I was forced to concede that this elderly woman had bested me. I grudgingly gave her kudos.
I'm looking for that Mazda for a rematch. All I can say is that she better have a double dose of Geritol for the next time we meet.
What I noticed after I merged into the right lane was the Malibu flying past me and the Mazda with an aged woman driver had moved to my left. I wasn't too bothered by it at the beginning. However as we progressed she didn't move away from me. I pushed the accelerator pedal down and jumped 10 miles an hour faster than I going. Mazda grandma was still on my left.
I must confess that I see the highway as a chessboard, always looking to maximize my gains. I was amused with her that she sped up and slowed down to stay on my left. There was a car in my lane that was going slower than the flow of traffic. I punched the accelerator and attempted to get ahead of her and move around the slower car.
This crazy geriatric wench out-maneuvered me! She punched her accelerator pedal as well and trapped me in my lane.
At no time did she even look over at me. I would have given her my best "Grumpy Gus" look. I was forced to concede that this elderly woman had bested me. I grudgingly gave her kudos.
I'm looking for that Mazda for a rematch. All I can say is that she better have a double dose of Geritol for the next time we meet.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Impotent
(Thanks Andy for being the muse on this blog.)
Today the Bush adminstration labeled Bin Laden "virtually impotent". This from an adminstration that told us he was hiding in caves, not living the safehouse life. This from an administration that can't seem to find him and kill him making him permanently impotent!
God help us if Bin Laden ever gets an "virtual" erection.
Today the Bush adminstration labeled Bin Laden "virtually impotent". This from an adminstration that told us he was hiding in caves, not living the safehouse life. This from an administration that can't seem to find him and kill him making him permanently impotent!
God help us if Bin Laden ever gets an "virtual" erection.
Ecstasy
There were a lot of people in the room. It was really hot, the kind of moist heat that comes from people in a close place breathing.
There was a sliding door and the breeze flowing through was delicious. I walked over to it and felt the relief bathing me. My wife looked back to see me with my hands raised and an rapturous look on my face. She did a double take. I'm not known for raising my hands in a church service.
But I was, hands high above my head, not because I was lost in the singing. I was just airing out my pits. It was ecstasy!
There was a sliding door and the breeze flowing through was delicious. I walked over to it and felt the relief bathing me. My wife looked back to see me with my hands raised and an rapturous look on my face. She did a double take. I'm not known for raising my hands in a church service.
But I was, hands high above my head, not because I was lost in the singing. I was just airing out my pits. It was ecstasy!
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